The rest is still unwritten

My dear readers may be happy to know that things are looking up. I genuinely did just reach my outer limit with the C. angst. And I realized that I wasn’t doing anything but torturing myself. Obsessing over C., wishing he would call me or write to me or come around and admit he has feelings for me, was only making me truly miserable. And let me be honest — I shed a lot of tears over C. when I was 18 and we broke up. I thought he was “the one” (when I still believed in “the one”) and I felt like my whole world was crashing down because things were supposed to go a different way. Then this time around I think I had some childish notion that everything that each of us went through over the past 10 years was just inevitably supposed to lead us back to each other.

But of course that’s not true. The person who I’m meant to be with isn’t going to be the person who makes me cry, who’s willing to sleep with me but not willing to date me, who brings out the insecure, paranoid, immature side of me. The person who I’m meant to be with will be just as crazy about me as I am about him, will make me laugh instead of cry, will want to be with me in every way and not just on his terms.

Recently I’ve begun to lose faith in love … but at the end of the day, I’m still an optimist and I still believe it’s possible to meet someone who has what I’m looking for.

In other news, my job is going really well. Last week I tried my first case, which scared the crap out of me ahead of time, but actually ended up being…fun! There are some things about my job that are mundane and boring and even downright loathsome, but the fact that I can get such a kick out of being a “real lawyer” makes me think that perhaps litigation is the right thing for me after all. I never used to be a very competitive person at ALL…but I think 2 1/2 years on the job has brought out a part of my personality that I never knew existed. (For better or for worse…)

And it’s a good thing that I’m on a yay-job kick right now, because for the next month or so, my job is officially going to be my life. I’m 2nd chairing a jury trial that starts March 4, and apparently the partner and I will be getting hotel rooms downtown for the duration of the trial. (My first thought was, “What about my cat??”) Our days will be spent in court, where we first have to pick a jury (exciting!) and I will then become Exhibit Girl (fine by me). Then in the evening we’ll have a pseudo-office set up in the hotel and so work … and get up and do it again. On the one hand, I know it’s going to be crazy and intense and tiring and I feel sort of exhausted just thinking about it. On the other hand, I know it’s going to be an amazing experience and I’m so excited. The partner is one of my firm’s main trial lawyers, and I cannot wait to see him in action and be his right-hand person.

On a final note, dear readers — I have a crush. But I have officially jinxed every single guy I have written about since I began blogging, so for now, mum’s the word….