I Think I’m Moving But I Go Nowhere…

Stop and stare
I think I’m moving, but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared
But I’ve become what I can’t be
Ohhh

Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you’re here not there
And you’d give anything to get what’s fair
But fair ain’t what you really need
Oh, can you see what I see….

Ok, that is really apropos of nothing at all, except that I’m sort of obsessed with that song. Anyone else?

This week I feel like I have turned from a human being into a legal automaton. All the better, I suppose, to steel myself against the serious mood swings of the partner I am prepping for trial with. It is such a good thing that I am no longer the cry-at-everything girl I once was. This morning (after I was at the office till 9 pm last night, took work home and returned at 8 am, fighting a cold and snorting Zicam like crazy) the partner called me (he sits a floor below me) and when he got frustrated with something I’d done (or not done) he yelled, “I’ve got so much fucking stuff to do that has nothing to do with this case! Let’s GO!!!” Once I got down to his office, he was somewhat chastened and I think I even made him smile/laugh at one point. But I still tried to fly very low under the radar today….

On the bright side, the head of my department had me present at the litigation lunch about my recent victories, and everyone was (as they have been for the past 2 weeks) quite congratulatory. Then this afternoon a GIANT, gorgeous basket of roses appeared in my office, the likes of which I have never seen. It turned out it was from the client whose trial I won, and the card read, “Congratulations, #1 trial lawyer!” That seriously made my day. She is the sweetest person – she’s in her mid 30’s, she is divorced and lost her dad to cancer a couple of years back so she and her mom are very close, and one of the real estate partners, the one who first got her as a client, has sort of adopted her and invites her to spend time with his family on holidays. If I could transition the attorney-client relationship into a normal friendship, I totally would – perhaps I should wait until she isn’t paying me $305 an hour for my time…

On another note, no guy has EVER sent me flowers that amazing. Hmph.

As I was driving home from work at almost 10 tonight I called my mom and we were chatting. I told her all about my day and how busy I’ve been, and then suddenly she asked brightly, “So, are you dating anyone?”

I swear, even a state away my mom always has a sixth sense about these things. It’s uncanny. But more and more recently, I have grown to HATE telling my mom about new guys because she just can’t stop asking questions once you get her on a roll. As though I, who obsess about every little thing a guy says and does, really need my mother saying, “So what does guy X do? Where is he from? Does he like cats? Does he like movies? How does he feel about the hours you work? Are his parents married?” and on and on and on….

I know that she does it out of love, and I know I bear the weight particularly because I’m an only child. But I just can’t deal with another round of “Let me tell you this guy’s life story … oh, just kidding, he never called me after our 2nd date.”

So instead I just said, “Oh, I’m too busy to date.”

Not a lie, by the way. I have been on 3 dates with this recent guy, the 3rd one being this past Friday. But between his work schedule and mine, and him traveling out of town this Thurs for work again, the first time we could arrange even a tentative date (dependent on the level of trial hell) was next Sunday.

Now, I know that’s not that long, considering. But I feel like things need a bit of momentum when you first start dating, especially since things, um, progressed on our last date. Plus, we live so close to each other, it’s not even “L.A. long distance” (aka, when you live only 10-15 miles apart but because it takes an hour to get from your apartment to his after work, it might as well be long distance).

Also, our dates were all really good, but I have initiated the recent contact, which is making me feel, well..unwanted. When we parted ways on Saturday (ok, Saturday morning) he told me to call him, so I did. But I have this weird feeling that if I hadnt called him, he wouldnt have called me.

But I digress. The whole benefit of trial / legal automaton hell is supposed to be to prevent me from obsessing about anything but trial prep, not getting yelled at, and not getting fired … right?

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