Feeling Alive All Over Again…

Hello, dear readers! I know that I have been MIA for way too long, as a result of trial and my post-trial recuperation period, but yes, I am alive and well. In fact, I am MORE than well, since I have rediscovered how fantastic it is to spend the weekend doing something other than working!!

Over the past few weeks, I feel like I have gotten a whole new lease on life. Yes, the trial itself was grueling. Long hours, mean judge, slightly nutty client, sometimes grumpy partner, and a disappointing outcome (a unanimous jury verdict against us). But all that notwithstanding, somehow this past month of nose-to-the-grindstone concentration has been exactly what I needed to break me of the funk that I’d been in since…who even knows when.

I realize now, in a way that comes only with hindsight, what a low and lonely period I was going through. I had a hard time when the last guy I dated broke up with me back in August, and he and I kept in touch, hooked up a couple months later, and he was still on my mind a lot until I got involved in the C. train wreck over Christmas and through January. Everything that happened with C. felt, at the time (coming on the heels of several guys I had dated online rejecting me) like a confirmation that any guy out there will doubtless break my heart. I brightened up when I met New Guy a month 1/2 ago, but still, I was hanging my hopes and my expectations on him, and not looking out for myself.

And along came the trial, and all of a sudden I had no time or energy to focus on anything but work. Instead of stressing about guys, I was able to just focus on each day of trial. I also read this book about being single that my parents bought me for Christmas that I had sort of rolled my eyes at, but it was surprisingly inspiring.

And it seems unbelievable, but now I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long, long time. No guys; no angst; no tears. I am just completely enjoying being me and being on my own. I’m seeing all my friends, I went hiking over the weekend (Dear readers, I cannot tell you how sore I am. SF needs to work out more, I am SO out of shape!), I’m reading, I’m going to events, I’m giving my cat lots of love, and I’m…well, content. For so many months I would fall asleep feeling sad and wake up feeling anxious. I would pull the covers over my head and wish I never had to get out of bed. Now, recently, I fall asleep and wake up smiling. It’s such an incredible feeling.

And for once in my life, this happiness has nothing to do with a guy! In fact, things with New Guy totally fizzled out, but it’s ok. I think a month or two ago I would have felt bitter and pissed off and disillusioned about this, but I don’t. I feel like I have so many things in my life, and I want to keep my life and heart open for people (family, friends, or lovers) who fit with who I am and make me feel good, so it makes it easy to let go of anyone who doesn’t fit into that category.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I finally, at long last, feel single and fabulous.

It’s good to be back!

PS. Apropos of nothing – I am totally crushing on Jim Sturgess. Anyone else?