No Place to be Singing From

…sometimes it feels like a heart is no place to be singing from at all…

A warning before I begin, dear readers: I can already tell that this is going to be one of those posts that’s all over the place. I’m exhausted and stressed and a little down and have been up since 5:30 am and am dying to go to sleep, but for some reason I don’t want to sleep until I clear all my thoughts through the blog. So here goes nothing.

As my friends know all too well, I have had a pattern of falling hard and fast and deep for guys, only to wind up hurt and disappointed when things don’t work out. Over the past couple of months, basically since the C. debacle, I have felt some sort of deep internal shift. I have gone from crying a lot and having tons of angst to not crying at all and feeling (relatively) peaceful. But I’m beginning to wonder if the pendulum is swinging too far back the other way? I’m sure it’s just because the situation hasn’t presented itself in some time and I’m not accustomed to being truly single for any length of time, but it feels bizarre to not have an object of my affection. I feel like I’m forgetting what it even feels like to be close to someone and/or be in love with someone. I almost feel like my heart is becoming harder than it once was.

And I used to think that if I had a harder heart, it’d be a good thing. Keeping my heart so open and vulnerable all the time never felt good when things went awry. But still, I’ve always though that those qualities of mine would actually be appealing to the right person, so I’m not sure I want to lose that hopeless optimist/romantic part of myself. I feel her giving way to the rational, pragmatic side, and I’m afraid of closing myself off to the ability to fall head over heels in love again.

Strangely, for the past 2 nights I have had dreams about my ex-fiance. In the first dream, he and I ran into each other in some public place and it was awkward (just as it would be in real life). But in the second dream, it was just like the days when we were together and we were so happy and in love. It seemed really vivid, and I seemed to actually feel it in a way that, when I try to think about it in real life, I can hardly conjure up. In my dream I was so happy and things were so easy and there were none of the issues that had plagued our real-life relationship. I was sort of sad and disappointed when I woke up and remembered that he isn’t in my life … that way or, at the moment, at all.

I feel so happy when I don’t think too hard about meeting somebody or reminisce too hard about the little things I miss from the various people I’ve dated. But when I start thinking about it, when I start to admit to myself that I want something more than I have, I just get wistful and sad. So I try not to think about it.

98% of the time I am perfectly content on my own. But sometimes a girl just craves some love…you know?

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“All at Once” by Jack Johnson

all at once
the world can overwhelm me
theres almost nothing that you could tell me
that could ease my mind

which way will you run?
when it’s always all around you
and the feeling lost and found you again
a feeling that we have no control

around the sun
some say it’s going to be the new hell
some say it’s still too early to tell
some say it really ain’t no myth at all

we keep asking ourselves
are we really strong enough?
there’re so many things
that we got too proud of
we’re too proud of
we’re too proud of

i want to take the preconceived
out from underneath your feet
we could shake it off
and instead we’ll plant some seeds
we’ll watch them as they grow
and with each new beat
from your heart the roots grow deeper
the branches, well they reach for what?

nobody really knows
but underneath it all
there’s this heart all alone
what about when it’s gone?
it really won’t be so long
sometimes it feels like a heart
is no place to be singing from at all

there’s a world we’ve never seen
there’s still hope between the dreams
the weight of it all could blow away
with a breeze
but if your waiting on the wind
don’t forget to breathe
because as the darkness gets deeper
we’re sinking so we reach for love

at least something we can hold
but i’ll reach to you
from where time just can’t go
what about when it’s gone?
it really won’t be so long
sometimes it feels like a heart
is no place to be singing from at all