I thought it would be totally blissful once things had calmed down enough at work so that I could actually take a breath. I imagined that I would enjoy the summer as I should — going out to long lunches, leaving early, etc. But instead of merely slowing to a manageable pace, my workload has suddenly ground to a halt. I have work lurking out there, but I am waiting on other people’s work / revisions to be able to make next steps. My plan had been to ride things out for 3 weeks until i leave for Europe (yay!) but it looks like that might not be possible. After all, there is only so much blog-reading, Facebook checking and online shopping (or rather browsing) that a girl can do.
Two side notes before I get to the heart of the post. First, speaking of online shopping, what do you think of this swimsuit? I’m going to Vegas for a bachelorette party in a couple weeks, where there will be much pool time, and am sick of all my old suits.
Second, speaking of Facebook, thanks to its evilness I have been subjected to unwanted sets of shmoopy photos this week — one of C. and his new girlfriend (don’t get me started).
I’ve discovered that for me, down time = just more time to think about my neuroses. Today I’ve been contemplating the frightening uncertainty of relationships. I guess that’s part of what makes a new relationship exciting, the not knowing — but all it does is give me a big ulcer. In a situation where it would serve me well go with the flow, I find myself insteaf thrashing helplessly against the current. Last night, as I mentioned, EHB came over. We went out for a drink, then we hung out at my apartment, then it turned into a sleepover during which we stayed up half the night doing various and sundry things that go beyond the scope of what I will write about on this blog (to spare the people who actually know me in real life from serious TMI). But in any event, things were really really good.
But can I just sit still and smile and say “things are good”? No, of course not. I start worrying and obsessing and imagining what bad things could be lurking off in the distance.
I don’t know if I mentioned this, but EHB was married before. It’s interesting because I always thought that would be a dealbreaker for me. But I learned about it on our 1st date and it didn’t make me want to date him any less. Who am I to judge, seeing as how I broke off my engagement? I thought long and hard about why I had always been so wary of dating someone who was divorced, and the answer I came up with is this: divorce is a big reminder that things often don’t work out the way you expect or want them to. Not only is there uncertainty in the first month of dating, before you get engaged, before you get married — really, things are never certain.
I always imagined that I’d marry someone and we’d be each others’ first loves. But I’ve had loves in my life already, and I’d be hard pressed to find a guy who hasn’t (and really, why would I want a 30 year old guy who’s never been in love?) But without that first love thing, how do you believe that this relationship will last when all the others have failed? In the face of such massive uncertainty, how do you move past the paralyzing fear? How do you trust someone? How do you take that giant leap of faith? I hope I don’t feel this way forever, but I’m afraid I’ll never be in a relationship where I don’t feel the constant anxiety and uncertainty. How does one begin to get over this?
And in the short term, how do I quiet my restless heart and mind enough so that I can just get some sleep?
Filed under: dating, internet addiction, life, love, men, navel-gazing, neuroses, online dating, relationships, sex
The bikini looks great. Feminine and summmery. Could easily accessorise with bracelets or nice hair bands or something.
I think that people who blog a lot about their own life tend to think a lot about it. I know that for me thinking too much can lead you in a downward spiral sometimes. There’s nothing wrong with hoping for romance. Romance doesn’t preclude the absence of rough lives. In fact that is what can make romance all that more romantic. Despite the tough times you pulled through.
If you’re visiting Europe and happen to be in Ireland drop me a line. I have a lot of free time so could do the tourist thing pretty easily for you. If you don’t want to or are unable to meet have a blast anyway
I like that bikini. Cute! If that were me I’d get them in 2 colors.
Anyway.
“Not only is there uncertainty in the first month of dating, before you get engaged, before you get married — really, things are never certain.
The only things in life that are certain is death…and taxes.
Sorry. That was kind of morbid.
About uncertainty…
I went through that the first year my husband and I started dating. The entire year! I thought that this stage would be over within a few months.
I had a lot of intimacy issues and baggage I had to deal with. How did I get over it?
One day at a time. Sometimes even one minute at a time.
Oh and going to therapy during this time helped too.
How did WE as a couple deal with it?
Well, he and I talked about it a lot and worked with it. He was really patient with me…and sometimes tough on me too.
We’ve been together for 5 years total now and even though we’re at a very secure stage in our relationship, certain worries do float around my brain.
The difference is, is in how I manage that fear and how I choose to act because of it.
“…how do you move past the paralyzing fear? How do you trust someone? How do you take that giant leap of faith?
I know these questions were kind of rhetorical but I’m going to answer them anyway.
How?
You just do — just keep trying, a little at a time, until it isn’t such an effort. Part of it, is also giving yourself up to the idea that you can’t control someone else or a situation. BUT you can control how you react to it.
And if we let fear paralyze us, we can never really experience some of the best things in life AND things we can actually learn from — even if they might be painful.
Honestly, in any romantic relationship, what are we REALLY afraid of? Getting hurt? Getting cheated on?
Yes, that hurts like a bitch if it happens, but they are things we all can get over.
It’s hard not to think of those bad outcomes, especially if we’ve been burnt before.
But don’t cross that bridge until you come to it. Because you may not have to and all the worrying is just wasted energy.
“Could easily accessorise with bracelets or nice hair bands or something.”
Did my man Mister Wine Gums really say that????
Oh dear…
………….
Moving along…
And Kara seemed to say everything quite nicely.
My Girl and I have been together a little over a year and a half, and trust me, she has the same worries you describe. Plus somehow mixed into that is the worry that she’s in this relationship too young and she’s going to be missing out on things because of it.
I tell her pretty much what Kara said – If we let those worries paralyze us, we’re only going to miss out on REALLY experiencing things. We’re both young and want to learn and grow, so lets do it.
If our relationship runs its course, it runs its course, but in the mean time I want to experience everything that comes with it, the good and the bad, and learn and grow from those experiences.
The obvious truth here is that NONE of us has any fricken clue what tomorrow holds. That can either be our biggest fear, or our greatest freedom.
So… why the stigma against divorce? I don’t run into it too much–believe me, as far as “baggage” goes, my teenage son is a bigger hurdle for people than anything else.
But it’s still there. The idle comments people throw around. And the fact that it was a dealbreaker for you before…
Trust me, it’s not a judging thing. And since you’ve apparently let go of it, what was fueling it before?
My guess… women who haven’t been married want someone “unspoiled.” Having two or three serious girlfriends, maybe even a fiancee once, that’s fine. But having been married–even if no kids came of it–seems to be this … thing.
Thank you all for your wise comments. It is nice to hear from others who have struggled with the same things.
RWG – Unfortunately my itinerary is all set and it doesn’t include Ireland this time around, but thank you for the offer!
Lady K – You are so right that it’s a waste of energy to worry about something that hasn’t happened and may never happen. I have struggled with that my whole life. It’s good to hear that you had some of the same issues but that you are happily married and work those things through together.
Nine – “The obvious truth here is that NONE of us has any fricken clue what tomorrow holds. That can either be our biggest fear, or our greatest freedom.” Very well said.
Cmajor: I think your assessment of a single girl’s sentiments about divorce are accurate. It goes along with what I talked about with respect to the “first love” fantasy. Also, going along with the fear & uncertainty aspect, I think there’s a part of me that feels even more worried than normal with someone who vowed to love and cherish that other person for the rest of his life and then left her. (Which is the case with EHB.) I know it’s not fair because relationships don’t work out for all kinds of reasons, but I think that is one of the underlying worries I have always had.
Interesting – first you point out your jealousy about your exes having successful relationships, right before going on to point out how you and EHB had a tawdry night together. If anyone should be jealous here, it should be me, as apparently everyone is getting some action but me! LOL
As for the rest of it, the one thing that you have to keep in mind is that every relationship is new for both parties. Yes, each is influenced by whatever they carry with them from the past, but the effort has to come in the form of putting that baggage to the side and looking at him, and at yourself, as a whole and different person.
And that, of course, takes work.
Trust takes work, time, and, like you said, a leap of faith. As you well know, I had every reason to believe that K. was an evil genius who had 2 girlfriends (me and his bipolar roommate), but I took that leap of faith and just trusted him, and he’s been showing me that he was worthy of that trust for the past 3 years. There are no guarantees, but given your parents’ long, loving, solid marriage, and so many of your happily married friends, I know you can find that faith somewhere–once you find a guy worthy of it!
I liked this post a lot, I think it poses a very fundamental question (and one that is very relevant to me as I prepare to commit myself to KFW). It’s possible that we weren’t made to be monogamous creatures, but that isn’t going to stop us from trying! So, there’s a chance that it won’t work out. There’s also a chance that we’ll get run over by a car or stung by a killer bee, but that doesn’t stop us from going outside, does it? Don’t let fear paralyze you! LOVES!!
Wow… great original post, and great comments. I feel like we should all be sewing a quilt or something.
The only thing I can say in defense of divorced people (not that it sounds like he needs defending…) is that he’s learned an important lesson: Love doesn’t last. Even the longest-lasting love–the prototypical 60-year long-haul with grandchildren and the whole shebangabang–ends eventually. Now, you can say that the death-do-us-part crowd is triumphing over all, but if the human lifespan were 300 years, or 500… none of those relationships would last a lifetime, either.
Unfortunately for EHB (or fortunately), his relationship had a shelf life of a year or two. The $50,000 wedding, the vows of commitment, the big plunge–none of it could change that. The good news is, they both survived wiser for the experience and they didn’t have any kids.
I can hear everyone protesting: But why get married at all? Well, because we hope that *this* is the person we can hit the home run with. And maybe we’re right. Maybe this is the person we’ll settle down with for the remainder of our relatively brief life, have children with, etc. But that is spectacularly rare these days.
“The obvious truth here is that NONE of us has any fricken clue what tomorrow holds. That can either be our biggest fear, or our greatest freedom.”
Very well said Nine
Keep in mind that maybe it won’t be EHB who runs away; maybe you’ll change your mind. I have been dating DB for 3.5 years and I’m still not sure he’s ‘The One.’ I can’t help but think that rushing into marriage just because ‘it’s expected’ or ‘we should’ or ‘it’s time’ would be a huge mistake (which you obviously figured out for yourself at one point in the past). Remember that it’s EHB’s job to get you to stick around too, just as much as the other way around, if not more so because you’re such a catch 
…how do you believe that this relationship will last when all the others have failed?
My friend gave me some decent advice a few years ago, when I asked him about this. He told me to ask yourself, “Can I see myself with this person in 5 years?” If you can, you work with that, then see what happens in 5 years.
btw… love the bikini.
We don’t know each other, but I really enjoyed this blog. You and I seem to be similar in having those obsessive thoughts that consume what could be a very simple event. I just have to make myself quit. I haven’t found a cure that works better yet, but usually when I just quit thinking and start remembering how great of a catch >>I<< am (because he should want me just as much as I want him), that usually does the trick. Best of luck to you!