This week I have had, dear readers, what you might call a relationship epiphany. An aha! moment. The lightbulb going on. It’s both awesome and sort of troubling. Here goes.
Between conversations with my therapist, N. and with my informal, pro bono relationship advisers T. and M., I have given a lot of thought this week to what I have liked or been attracted to in the last few guys that I’ve dated, basically since my ex-fiance. As I tried to think about what drew me to these guys I recognized an undeniable pattern. All of them were guys I felt physically attracted to or felt chemistry with — in some cases, totally overwhelming, crazy chemistry. All of them were guys who were really smart/witty. But there was not a one — not a ONE, people — who I could say with a straight face is a truly sweet, kindhearted person. And in theory (according to my online dating profiles, according to what I always think of when I think of my ideal life partner, according to what I say I want to everyone), kindheartedness is at the top of my list. And yet none of these guys have been that person. None of these guys have been someone about whom I could say, “Even if you took away the sexual chemistry and intrigue, this is someone I’d want in my life as a friend.” In fact, when I erase the lust factor, some of these guys aren’t people that I like very much as people, at all! What is wrong with this picture?
M. tried to get me to think about this months ago, to which I responded something like “yeah, yeah, yeah.” She pointed out that I might meet a guy who is smart and sweet and kind and caring, and I might overlook him because he’s not the height I want or various other superficial things. At the time, I responded, “yeah, but if I go for someone I’m not totally hot for, then I’ll just be settling.”
But I really think I get it now. It’s not that I will end up with someone I have no spark with, because there has to be a spark (IMHO). But I also can’t overlook people 100% because of superficial characteristics, and then simultaneously “settle” in regards to certain personality characteristics, which I have been doing. With each of the last several guys there has always been something (pessimism, drinking excessively, what have you) that has raised a red flag or made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, and I have just turned a blind eye because 1) I was attracted to these people in some way and 2) I wanted that badly to be in a relationship.
Well, dear readers, that ends here. From now on, I am screening my guys for more than compatibility over cocktails or in bed. I am going to look at the person and say, ok, I may be hot for you now, but are you the person I am going to want across the breakfast table from me in 10, 20, 50 years? If the answer is no, then move along, please.
Which is a perfect segue to my update about EHB. Unsurprisingly (sorry to those of you who have been rooting for him), I have not heard a peep from him since he promised we’d have our “conversation” “soon.” My normal M.O. in the past when I feel like a guy is fading away is to 1) freak out and 2) reach out and text them, IM them, call them, etc to try to keep the thing going. I would chase these boys till I was blue in the face, but never really think about why I was trying so hard to chase them and what i would do if I caught them.
So I thought about IMing EHB, and then I thought about what the outcome would be, and whether it would be what I want. I thought about whether I even wanted what I thought I wanted — a relationship with EHB. And I realized the answer was no. I realized that despite some great early dates and some good chemistry, there were also some big red waving flags that I was stubbornly ignoring. And why would I go chasing after that? For the momentary intrigue, the excitement, the potential of some good sex (sigh). But that’s it. Not a compelling reason, dear readers, is it?
So I refrain, and I will let this one die the natural death that it should. And in all honesty, I feel incredibly peaceful about it.
When I start freaking out about the next boy, make me come back and read this, will ya?
Filed under: dating, drama, happy, life, love, men, navel-gazing, neuroses, online dating, relationships, sex, single, therapy
I am so proud. *tear*
PS. I should have given recognition to this post: http://dietcokeandfries.wordpress.com/2008/07/23/people-are-difficult/ by Diet Coke contributing to my epiphany, because I identified with it all too much. It’s a wake up call when you identify with a friend who the blogger nicknames “Sad Desperation”!
It sounds like you’re gaining a more complete understanding of your actions and behavior patterns. That’s always helpful.
In my experience, it was the crazy, overwhelming chemistry situations which were so NOT good for me, which isn’t to say that the good relationships were passionless or lacking chemistry.
Aww honey . . . yay for the revalation! Hang in there — the good ones won’t make you cry!
As someone who aspires to kindheartedness (and occasionally gets close), I am happy to read that one of the good guys–someone currently walking the earth, whom you haven’t even met–is going to get a real shot with you.
“Chemistry” is so tied to our issues. There’s a reason that we feel “instinctive” reactions to people. Our subconscious starts to resonate. Sometimes it’s fun, it can even be healthy. But since it’s tripping a lot of buried stuff, we have to be careful. At the same time, attraction drives the bus sometimes. We just have to make sure it’s not driving with a suspended license… and I’ll go ahead and let that analogy die.
I hope you’ll keep writing about your adventures.
Heh – not overlooking people 100% because of superficial characteristics? You know that’s the argument geeks have been making to women for years, right? Usually as they’re walking out of the bar with the jock? LOL
Kidding aside, the idea of seeking someone you want to view across the coffee table from 50 years hence is a laudable one. I always wonder how well we can stick to our best intentions or if, in the moment, our more basic animal instincts will always take over.
Still, sorry it didn’t work out with EHB…