I know what you’re thinking, dear readers. SF, in the name of all that’s holy. when are you going to stop posting pictures of cats on your blog?
My answer is: when it stops amusing me. And I’m easily amused. And I love cats. So you may be in for a bit of a wait. Sorry!
Anyway, the point of this post is that I need some advice from those of you out there in online-dating land who manage to successfully email with scads of potential suitors and go on oodles of dates. How do you accomplish this, my friends? Right now I am emailing with a handful of guys (and going out with one tomorrow – update to come) but it seems so incredibly time consuming. I have to read their emails, read their profile, answer all their questions, think of questions to ask them, be witty…by the time I hit “send” I feel utterly exhausted! And that’s just in the emailing phase – how in the world could I handle multiple mens in real life?? I know I need to put myself out there, but I feel like I become more of a homebody as I get older and I also relish my nights alone with Noodles and a good book.
I’ve also tried to put myself out there in real life lately, but have discovered that if I ever had any game — and I feel so rusty that it’s hard to recall — I clearly have lost my game now. Behold the following encounter from this past Sunday:
INT. TARGET STORE- DAYTIME. SF, tall late 20s brunette, walks slowly and aimlessly down the center aisle with basket in hand. Looking down one aisle, SF spots TALL CUTE GUY. SF tries to look casual as she veers into that aisle.
TALL CUTE GUY sees SF as she approaches and gives her a big smile. He is tall, brown hair, wearing jeans and a checkered shirt. He looks decidedly single and heterosexual, even though this is the Target in WeHo.
SF (pretending to look at shaving cream): Gosh, there are just so many choices these days. Aluring Avocado? What is that?
TCG (laughing): So many choices, huh? I know what you mean, it makes my brain hurt.
TCG goes back to looking at some manly product.
SF is suddenly shy. She doesn’t know what to say next. She puts the shaving cream in her basket and waits a couple of beats. She opens her mouth to speak then decides against it and walks away.
SF didn’t even need the damn shaving cream.
And…..scene! Tragic, isn’t it? I’m sure there is some clever way I could have pushed things further, but I totally froze. What’s a girl to say/do in that situation?
Ok, now I am really tired. More on my date tomorrow…
Filed under: dating, life, love, men, online dating, relationships, single
So, based on this, what do you think the odds are that a woman making small talk (or wittily returning my small talk) is actually interested in taking it any further? I’m thunderstruck that you walked off and didn’t keep it going. The guy would have been *down*… and better yet, since you met in real life and not online, if you ended up dating, you wouldn’t have to tell your family you met “through friends.”
Makes me wonder how many times I’ve bantered like that… then slunk away… gee, if I’d only known what to say next.
You have no idea how big a coup it would be to meet someone in the shaving cream aisle at Target. If I have to write another witty email I’m going to douse my laptop in lighter fluid and make pretty flames.
Ok SF, I’m gonna ask something unpleasant now, but why the recent focus on finding a man? I am not judging, I’m just wondering. Singlehood is such a great time to be completely selfish. Having moved in with DB about 9 months ago (1st time living with a man), I am yearning for it. It’s exhausting having to think about the other person ALL. THE. TIME. I can’t make certain things for dinner because he doesn’t like them. I can’t watch tv too loud because he’s listening to music. I can’t hang out naked because he’ll take that as an invitation to bed. The list goes on and on and on. Don’t get me wrong, I love DB, it’s just I miss being able to be completely self-indulgent, guilt-free. They do say that as soon as you stop looking, you’ll find him. So I think you should skip that online mumbo-jumbo, indulge yourself in whatever you like (including that trip to Europe…I can’t visit my family in England without feeling guilty that DB can’t come too), and real life men may just start falling out of the woodwork.
*waits to be lampooned*
There’s no lampooning here – honesty is always welcomed!
At the risk of sounding like EHB with his “per expert advice” BS, the recent emphasis on dating has emerged from the new tharapist I’ve been seeing. I have always been loath to say out loud “I want to be in a relationship” or “I’m sad that I don’t have a significant other” because I’ve always thought that was a sign of weakness and neediness. Her perspective is that it’s normal to want those things, and that if that’s what I want, I need to work at it, just the same way I worked hard in school, law school and my job.
I totally get the grass is always greener. And having had a live-in BF before, I know that in a lot of ways I have it really good and believe me, I don’t take for granted all the fun single things I get to do – walk around in my undies, watch girly movies on TV, go out till all hours without checking in on someone, planning lots of trips without feeling guilty. And I DO do all those things – it’s not as though I’m sitting around waiting for my “real” life to start.
But the bottom line is that I DO miss being in a relationship. And as much as I think the “stop looking and he’ll find you” sentiment is nice, I just don’t think it’s true. At least in my experience, LA is a very hard city for meeting people without some effort. I would never have started online dating in the 1st place if the “meeting people organically” thing was working for me. The last time a boy fell out of the sky into my lap was a good 5 years ago, and the dating world has changed since I was 23.
Anyway, I appreciate the concern and I am really excited to get away to Europe and just BE for a while. Perhaps I will have some new perspective when I get back. But in the meantime, I think I am going to continue to put myself out there, for better or for worse.
Online dating can definitely feel like a full-time job. It is exhausting to e-mail strangers. So don’t do it.
I advocate not engaging in month-long or weeks-long e-mail exchanges. Just suggest that you meet for a quick cup of coffee. Because a lot of people can sound cool over e-mail or on the phone — but you don’t really know if you like someone until you meet them in person. So, just meet for a quick drink and see if you like them enough to go to dinner. It makes it a lot less exhausting — because you want a boyfriend. You don’t want a pen pal.
Don’t beat yourself up about the Target guy. Maybe he has a girlfriend, or maybe he’s gay. But if you do see a cute guy, and strike up a conversation — just say, “Hi.” Tell him your name and he’ll tell you his. . ..
Beats the hell out of me. I’m thinking of dumping my online dating site because I don’t seem to be getting any responses to e-mails, and the only e-mails I get are spam.
Even worse, I don’t believe I’ve ever had a woman follow me/try to bump into me in a store. Heh, perhaps I’m fuglier than I thought!
I guess the only suggestion I have is this: tell him your name. Maybe he’ll get weirded out, but if he’s at all attracted to you, he’ll reply with his. And you’re off to the races.
From now on, drank a glass (or two) of wine before you go to Target. Then you’ll be chatty mcchatterton and won’t even have to put any effort into coming up with witty conversation!
But, depending on how often you go to Target, that could lead to alcoholism…
Don’t mind me SF; I’m just bitter about the domestication process. Good for you for being honest with yourself, and for having a well thought out answer to the question (and while we’re in the honesty zone, yes, the reason I don’t kick DB to the curb every time he fails to do the dishes is because I’d be lonely and sad, and he put up with dating me all through law school (and the damn Bar Exam), so he’s a keeper, right?). On the plus side, you are going to Europe single
Kiss a hot European man for me!!! Oh, and next time you are in Target and meet a hot guy in the paper towel aisle, just say “come here often?”, and wink 
Richard the SGM here checking in…I don’t think I would ever try forming a relationship online, it takes soooo much time just to arrange a quickie
, I can’t imagine vetting for permanency, that would take all your commenters helping you online 24/7. I like the wine strategy myself, but if it works you’ve probably met an alcoholic, not become one. and, I thought you were looking for time management strategies, not pity ouch i didn’t think that. For example, check out slydial.com (leaves messages on cellphones without letting them answer-i don’t know how it works but it does), looks like a great tool to keep prospects humming. btw i found your blog googling the feelings i was having after my own breakup, sigh. tanasie sounds practical, i just worry about meeting weirdos, and i’m not female. i can do the coffee thing, but that leads to second guessing your date: who calls again first, and why didn’t he call yet, or why did he call back so fast (desperate? crazy?) better to tell him in the first 5 min. Yes, call me. No, it’s not going to work for me. for me, i wouldn’t go out with someone who didn’t know if they wanted to or not.
I agree that online dating requires an enormous amount of energy. The best approach I’ve found has been to move from the messaging/emailing phase to the meet-in-person phase as quickly as possible. Once I meet a guy in person it is much easier to tell how well we might go together and talking on the phone/going on dates is a lot more fun than email flirting with a stranger.