Even though my posts have become much fewer and much farther between, I haven’t resigned this blog because I know that the moment I do, I will be instantly struck with the urge to write another post.  I am keeping the blog here so that I can return periodically with updates on the life of SF.  So, for my dear readers (if any), here is a brief recap of the last couple of months.

1.  I was stranded in L.A. for Christmas because of the freakish weather in the Pacific Northwest, but happily I got to spend a lovely Christmas Day with friends.  I also discovered that one of the perks of being an only child is that my parents saved our Christmukkah celebration until I got home, so we opened all our presents and had a nice meal with my grandfather on Dec. 27th.  I was so happy to see my family, albeit belatedly.  I also had the good fortune of seeing my best friend who lives in England and was in town.  And the whole week, my wonderful BF was taking all sorts of photos on his camera phone (he was back East with his own family) and texting them to me so that we felt like we were together.  Shmoopy?  Who, us?

2.  Yesterday was my 29th birthday, or as I was reminded by several people, the beginning of my 30th year on this planet.  This is poised to be a very interesting year.  In some ways it will be a scary and uncertain year, with the state of the economy and the general feeling of flux.  But I still (perhaps naively) have high hopes that this will be a fabulous year.  I think it will be a year of change and a year of growth.  And I can’t wait to see where it brings me. 

3.  This year I will be in two wedding parties (so far – you never know what might happen!), attending at least two bachelorette parties, and going on a couple of cool vacations (in just a few days, Vail; at the end of the year, Australia!).  

4.  In sadder news, the girl who has been my best work friend and lifeline since we started as summer associates together in the summer of 2004 is leaving me (what about my needs?!) and moving up north.   I am still in complete denial about my life after she leaves the firm, so I am trying not to think about it.  (SF covers her ears.  La la la la la la!)

5.  My relationship, which is now four months old, is still swimming along perfectly.  I am at a loss for what to say about it that will adequately describe it, but I have been feeling a LOT of warm fuzzies.   I don’t think I ever realized that I could love someone so much, and I know we are just getting started.

6.  My New Year’s resolution is to dust off my elliptical machine and use it for something other than a clothes hanger, and so far so good.   My trick is that I am totally obsessed with renting DVDs of the show “Friday Night Lights” on Netflix (I am at the end of season 1.  It’s so good!!)  So I put on the DVD and watch an episode while I ride.  I know it’s a bit premature to boast about my resolution-keeping on January 12, so hopefully it will continue!

7.  This weekend I am going to try to learn to snowboard.  Again.  Wish me luck, and no severe injuries.

8.  Noodles is doing well, and I only sustained minor scratch wounds when I tried to get him in his cat carrier over the holidays (and two holes in my sweater).

With that, dear readers, I am calling it a day.  If anyone is still reading and you have particular things you are curious about, feel free to comment or email me!

Till next time, happy 2009!

xoxo

SF

Warning, dear readers: I am about to confirm to all of you that I am officially crazy when it comes to all things dating-related.  This recent turn of events was enough to make my friend T., who has pretty much seen all my dating craziness, say “I’m speechless.”  Here goes.

As you know, I had done a fairly long stint with online dating, during which time I experienced a lot of first dates and a lot of “deaths.”  (You know, not real confirmed deaths, but guys dropping off the face of the earth — and what other explanation is there??)  In the middle of May I resigned from Match, and at the beginning of June I did the same with eHarmony.  I really wasn’t missing them at all, either.   Online dating can be extremely frustrating and way too time consuming. 

But then I had my most recent dating-related confusion/angst (about which I have been purposely vague – let’s just say I think it is decidedly a He’s Just Not That Into Me situation, though I still like the guy), and this confusion coincided with my receipt of an email from eHarmony offering me a special rate if I rejoined.

Being of the opinion that sometimes the best antidote for fretting about a boy is fretting about LOTS of different boys, I rejoined (against my better judgment).  Did the eHarmony process become any less aggravating in my three week hiatus?  Did the questions become any less daunting?  Did my selection of miniature Asian men decrease in favor of men who come up higher than my chin?  No, no, and no.

But, dear readers, I did start corresponding with one fellow with whom I’d been matched just a few days before I ditched my subscription the last time.  We somehow made it through the eHarmony process.  I even managed to answer the annoying essay questions – including the one that most instills me wth dread: “What’s the most adventurous thing you’ve done this year?”  (Thank GOD for that white water rafting trip.  “Adventurous” isn’t exactly the 1st word I’d use to describe myself.  Or the 10th, or the 100th.)

Anyway, we made it past all the nonsense and started the normal emailing.  He’s funny and smart (but his emails are normal, not the long and TOO funny / well written type that signal that the guy will never ever live up to his emails).  He’s cute — and tall.  He even likes cats.  So far, so good. 

Yesterday morning, he emailed me and asked if I might want to have drinks on Thursday night.  I responded that I’d like to, but that my firm is receiving an award for my pro bono case and I have to go to the awards dinner.  Despite my very whiny post about my lack of guest, I really hadn’t been concerning myself with it since I wrote that (yet another example of writing something down helping to diffuse the intensity of my reaction) and I realized that it was a very cool honor and was fine doing my own thing an just enjoying the moment and being proud of myself. 

Anyway, I told him over email that I had the dinner that night.   Later that same day, he appeared on Gmail chat and we started chatting.  We were talking back and forth about all the various things keeping us busy (he has been working long hours, he is going out of town next weekend, etc. )  Then things took a turn for the very, very unexpected:

eHarmony Boy (hereafter “EHB”):  anyway, what i wanted to say is that if you have any time, i can try to meet up at some point even if it’s just for a little bit

SF: yeah, i’d like that

 EHB:  what’s not exciting is when you get talking with someone and then they quickly become a memory.  it’s all about the momentum 

 SF: yeah I am not a fan of the long drawn out email thing.  I don’t need more email pals   so, I concur!

EHB: email pals, ha ha

SF: I could probably do later drinks sometime this week, just not thurs.  or we can play it by ear for next week

EHB: I guess I’ll stop pushing for an invitation to the special dinner where no one would have any idea who I am. 

WHOA!!!!!!  Come again?   I know what you’re thinking, dear readers.  Come on, SF.  There is no way that this guy actually suggested that you go on a blind date to your work function.

Oh, but he did.  And what did I say?  Well, there’s not even any suspense, is there?  You know I said yes. 

And this is how I have managed to combine the most nervewracking things possible into one single event.  1)  I am meeting this guy for the 1st time.  2)  I am meeting this guy for the 1st time in the presence of several of my co workers (oh and by the way we are now sitting at the firm table, where he will be subject to up-close scrutiny); and 3) I have to go up on stage to accept the award.

ACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One blessing is that I don’t have to give a speech.  That might actually send me into a full blown panic attack.  As it is, I am actually getting rather excited.  (Once I got over the “what will I wear” panic, that is.)   This will either be sheer genius or it will be an unmitigated disaster, but at any rate I’ll get a good blog out of it.   And at a minimum it will be good for other peoples’ entertainment — my co-worker L., who will be at the dinner, was pretty much beside herself with excitement that she will get to witness this whole event go down.

And one more plus — I think this might beat out white water rafting in the adventure category…don’t you?

To be continued…

Dear readers: I apologize in advance for what I’m sure will be the supremely whiny tone of this post.  I try to self censor my whining to a certain degree (though it may not seem that way!) but there are some days when I just can’t help it.  This is one of those days.

First, we have officially arrived in that oh-so-glorious time of year known in L.A. as “June Gloom.”  I know, I know, cry me a river, I live in a place where it’s sunny every day and I complain about a few overcast mornings.  Wah wah wah.  But it just sets the tone for the day.  (It may also not have helped that I I was listening to decidedly melancholy Jack Johnson songs on the way to work.  Hmm.)

I arrived at work and the harsh realization washed over me that because of our totally unsuccessful waste of a mediation yesterday, I am now forced to begin preparing for my fourth trial this year, which begins June 30.  As much as I have actually really enjoyed doing these trial, I I also enjoy, you know, having a life.  Bye, bye, life–see you in July.

I went to a meeting and when I came back, there was a message from a woman at a local bar organization.  My firm is getting a pro bono award based on that asylum case that I worked on, which is really awesome.  The awards dinner is coming up in 2 weeks.  But what I didn’t realize is that instead of getting to sit with my co-workers who show up to fill the table my firm bought, I will apparently be sitting at a separate table — presumably with the other award recipients.  That wouldn’t be bad (even though I don’t know them personally, I have emailed with some of them and they are very nice women) except for the kicker: the woman was calling to find out who I was bringing as my guest.

Most of the time, I’m pretty fine with being single.  But I must say that in these situations, being sans a plus-one is supremely sucky.  I had to take several deep breaths before I picked up the phone and called the woman back to tell her that I wouldn’t be bringing a guest.  I know it’s stupid, but I actually felt embarrassed to say that — to a woman I’ve never even met!  She sort of paused awkwardly and then told me, well, I have the option of bringing a complimentary guest, so just to let her know a few days before if I change my mind. 

After I hung up the phone, I was thinking back to a bruncheon event I went to several months ago where one of my co-workers was being honored for her pro bono work for a different organization.  She’s my office neighbor, also an associate and a year older than me.  A group of us came from the firm, and she also had her husband, parents and in-laws there.  I remember even at the time, watching how her husband was there at her side, beaming at her and supporting her and being proud of her, and I thought how I wish I had that.  And I still really, really wish I had that.  Of course I don’t want to be with someone for the sake of being with someone — I want the right someone. 

My mom asked me why I didn’t just invite one of my friends to accompany me to the event, but I don’t know; it just seems inappropriate somehow.  So instead I decided to invite this lawyer who became my co-counsel on the case a few months back and has helped me tremendously from the beginning.  He was working for a local nonprofit and giving me lots of advice, then he transferred to a nonprofit in San Diego, my case eventually got moved to San Diego and he kept helping me.  And — this is uber embarrassing — somewhere along the way I started to develop this half-joking crush on him.  Of course, I have never to this day met this guy.  We have exchanged tons of emails and phone calls (always about the case), but all I knew aside from his job was the fact that he was about my age.  But I would joke to my co-worker L. that he was going to fall in love with me, he just didn’t know if because he hasn’t met me yet.

So I sent him an email asking if he wanted to come with me since he worked so hard on the case.  And he replied that he was really touched that I’d invited him, but he couldn’t make it because he’d be in Hawaii.

….

On his HONEYMOON.

Again, I know that it is supremely idiotic and nonsensical to be disappointed to learn that a guy I’ve never met is getting married.  But I seriously wanted to just stop my work and sit and pout.

I can just hear all my friends screaming at me simultaneously as I say this, so I must preface it by saying I know this statement is irrational and fundamentally untrue, but the whole lack-of-guest situation makes me feel like some kind of a failure. 

So then I went to a meeting tonight and, you know how when you get fixated on something that’s all you can see?  Like when you have a new haircut you dont like and all you can do is look at people’s hair?  Well tonight all I could see were all the sparkly wedding rings on everyone’s fingers.  And I just felt disgusted with myself because I really have never, ever been that girl.  On the one hand, I feel like since I was engaged and we broke up, I’m in absolutely no rush to jump into anything, and I have really become accustomed to having my own life and doing my own thing.  But as I get older, being single becomes more and more rare and I start to feel like a weird outlier.   It’s not that I’m unhappy or envious of all my friends who are getting married — to the contrary, I love helping them and celebrating with them and I think it’s wonderful — but I can tell that I’m just going to feel more and more…different.  And that’s hard.

Then I came home today and greeting me was an (adorable, by the way) wedding invitation from one of my close friends.  And on the envelope?  You guessed it: “Miss Single/Fabulous & Guest.”

I don’t know, dear readers.  None of these things should really upset me, I realize.  But somehow today, I just haven’t been able to shake the feeling that I just want to burst into tears.

As I said…I guess it’s just one of those days.

After a day at home, dear readers (thankfully I am sort of slow at work right now, normally I just have to suck it up and go anyway), I am happy to report that I think my bad cold has turned the corner!  Hopefully by tomorrow I’ll feel even more like normal.

So tonight I was supposed to go to a fundraising dinner for an organization that one of my fellow associates, AB, is involved with, on the board of directors.  My firm bought a table and I agreed to go when AB called me and I knew he was hard pressed to find a warm body to fill the seats.  At the time, I thought that I was just doing a mitzvah for a friend; I had no idea that AB had any ulterior motive.

But today, when I woke up feeling like death and emailed AB to let him know that our other co-worker’s fiance would be taking my place, he responded, “I’m really sorry to hear that you are sick and that you can’t make it to the Awards Dinner tonight.  I am especially bummed because I was hoping to introduce you to a really nice young man who is going to be there tonight.  He’s actually one of the awards recipients, and I’m sure L. will tell you all about how tall, dark, handsome and great he is and how much you missed out… unless you have a miraculous recovery and can join us after all…    *cough, cough*  In all seriousness, I was hoping to introduce you to him, but perhaps on another occasion.”

I had to say, very impressive, AB!  Way to prey on a girl’s weaknesses.  And since I was at home and bored, I proceeded to do some cyber recon on this guy (AB is a great guy and all, but let’s just say I’m not sure I trust his taste in men!).  Sure enough, though,  my recon mission revealed that this guy was an attractive, MBA, former I-banker business owner who volunteers with kids.  Good on paper — check!  I emailed my co-worker L. and informed her that it was her duty to check this guy out in person.  I then mused that I hoped I wasn’t missing the chance to meet my future husband.  L. encouraged me to get up off the couch and rally for the event, but I figured that I’d rather not have my future husband meet me when I’m all runny-nosed and hacking up a lung.  My friend T. confirmed to me that since my future husband was going to be receiving an award tonight, better I meet him when he doesn’t have other fish to fry. 

Ok, so maybe we were getting a bit carried away with the “my future husband” shenanigans…

In other news, I am still confused about whether the situation with Cute Boy is a potential love interest thing or whether it’s just a friend/networking thing.  As you know, we met because our parents decided we should, he emailed me, we went to lunch about a month ago, and then last week we went out to dinner.  I had hoped that dinner would clarify for me whether thing were friendly or more than friendly but they didn’t.  He had told me he wanted to ask my advice about job hunting, but it turned out that he had decided to do one last hurrah and tour with his band in August and September, so he’s not really job hunting yet.  We talked a bit about job stuff, but the majority of the 2 hours was just spent talking about all sorts of random stuff.  We each had 2 beers, we laughed a lot, and he paid for everything at the end (over my protest).  But then at the end, he seemed really anxious to get out of there and just gave me a casual hug goodbye and told me we’d talk soon.  I decided it was just a friend thing, and thought that was sort of too bad because I was starting to crush on him a little bit.

I had invited him to this networky/drinks thing that I was putting together with a new acquaintance of mine that was supposed to be tomorrow, and he seemed psyched about going, but again — hello, networking.  Then the Laker game was scheduled for tomorrow so I emailed Cute Boy today to let him know that the networky drinks were being postponed, and mentioned offhand that I’m sick but that if I felt better I might go watch the game at a sports bar – but I didn’t specifically invite him or anything.  Then he wrote back, “That’s totally cool, I hope you feel better soon. If you do decide that you’d like to go to a sports bar or something for food and/or drinks to watch the game, let me know. I’d be interested in joining you.” 

 This seems sort of promising, but who knows.  I’m totally happy to be friends with this guy — he’s fun and smart and I have a relative shortage of guy friends compared to other times in my life — but if that’s the case I’d sort of like to know so I’m not wondering and crushing needlessly.  I’ll keep you posted!

Speaking of guy friends, I’ve got a new one who I’ve hung out with a few times now and he’s totally awesome…and much needed, since all of my other guy friends consist of my ex-boyfriends and my friend D. who’s gay.  Straight male friend = quite refreshing.  And some of my friends would say, an urban myth, but I disagree.

On a final note, does anyone else love, love, love Top Chef???  I have been watching a marathon for the past 3 hours (no matter that I have seen all the episodes already) and I dig it so much.  Ironically, I hardly cook at all myself, and in fact, tonight I have been watching the show while devouring Thai food takeout.

Maybe I should work on that before I meet my future husband?

“Tough cookie.” That’s what my favorite client likes to say I am…and I’ve been giving it some thought this week because that is not a word that I would have ever envisioned being used to describe me when I was younger. I was what you might call…sensitive. I cried at the drop of a hat, I had a horrible time adapting to change, I would avoid confrontation at all costs. (Ok, so in my personal life I am still very non-confrontational…I guess you could call it passive-aggressive…I’m working on it, I swear!!) If you’d have told my parents that I’d be working in a high stress job where I essentially argue for a living, I’m sure we all would have had a huge chuckle about the idea.

I don’t know when or how it happened, but somehow my skin thickened up. And it’s a good thing, since otherwise I’d probably be crying at work every other day!

I think especially since I’ve become a litigator, it’s changed me somehow. I’ve never ever been an arguer; I can count on one hand the number of actual fights/arguments (as opposed to just gentle bickering) that my ex-fiance and I had during our 3 year relationship. I’ve always said “I’m a lover, not a fighter.” But now I have to be a fighter for my clients. Today I defended a deposition and my claws definitely came out several times. Now that I’m a “fighter” at work, I wonder, will that carry over to my personal life? I don’t know…I still don’t think “tough cookie” is exactly what those who know and love me would say about me.

And I know that getting the fighting spirit will help me in my work life, but I’m not so sure it would be a good thing if it carried over. I’m sure my mom would add that to the growing list of reasons why I’m completely un-dateable.

Speaking of Mom, she must be feeling my vibes (omg, that was such a phrase Mom would use — I’m too young to actually turn into her!!) from my recent blog posts about her matchmaking, because she apparently bought me a book called Have I Got a Guy For You: What Really Happens When Mom Fixes You Up. Mom read it in anticipation of giving it to me, and said it’s hilarious, so I’m looking forward to it (if only because it sounds particularly blog worthy. Just to get my readers super excited about my future blog on the topic, here’s the synopsis I pulled from Amazon.

“In this take-no-prisoners collection of hilarious, wince-inducing true stories, you’ll meet two dozen victims of Mom’s well-meaning meddling and hear the unvarnished details of what they suffered through:
The schoolteacher who never wants to leave his house-or the couch
The mother who writes letter after letter to Michael Gelman, then-producer of LIVE with Regis & Kathie Lee, hoping to persuade him to ask her daughter out
The woman who’s set up with her cousin-by-marriage
The writer who endures eights hours of a Dungeons & Dragons convention
The over-zealous actor who performs a monologue at Starbucks
And the lawyer who sadly can’t perform . . . at all”

Leaping out of your seat to buy it, aren’t you? No? Ok, well stay tuned and I’ll give you the Cliffs notes in a few weeks (I’m picking up the book when I head up to Eugene for a long weekend at the end of the month).

And now, a confession. Just when you thought my taste in TV could not get any more adolescent I am newly addicted to Gossip Girl. I know, I’m like a year 1/2 behind on the show and like 14 years older than the target audience. But hey, we all have our vices. I suppose that given the various and sundry bad things that lawyers can get themselves into to keep their heads above water, if my worst thing is captively watching the lives of NYC high school students, well…it could be worse.

And now if you’ll excuse me, this tough cookie needs a sugar fix before the season finale of the Hills.

xo, xo!

I have arrived back this afternoon from a spectacular weekend in Santa Barbara, and it was exactly what I needed. It was my firm’s annual litigation department retreat, and it was such a fun trip. I’m very lucky to have hilarious, entertaining and nice co-workers that I actually really enjoy spending time with, and my firm doesn’t even force us to do work-related activities, so it was really nothing more than a heavily subsidized vacation! Ahhh…

First of all, we stayed in an amazing hotel. It would be a great place for a romantic weekend getaway with one’s sweetie. A lot of people brought their spouses or sig o’s (most of my co workers, even the other junior associates, are married) but I got to room with one of the first year associates, and we totally bonded — it was great! She’s my “little sib” at the firm but this was the first weekend we’d ever had a true heart-to-heart, and I really enjoyed getting to know more about her. She and I made plans to go out sometime soon, so that will be fun.

Other highlights of the weekend were sailboat racing (it was a gorgeous day, and my team’s boat won! — much to the dismay of my boss who is extremely competitive), wine tasting in Santa Ynez and Solvang, and of course, LOTS of eating and drinking. Somehow, despite drinking quite a bit both Fri and Sat nights, I wasn’t hungover at all this weekend! (This is nothing short of miraculous considering that my drinks on Fri night included white wine, red wine, an Irish car bomb and 2 Cosmopolitans!) My boss was not so lucky, and in fact, he ended up having to stay home to nurse his hangover on Sat in lieu of wine tasting. Later that day, my co worker overheard him utter the best quote of the weekend: “Man, my back hurts. I don’t know if it’s from playing tennis or throwing up.”

I have to say, I totally welcome scandal and hilarity on work trips, so long as it’s not me!

Last night after a delicious wine pairing dinner in downtown Santa Barbara, my hotel roomie and I decided to venture out and bar-hop on State Street. Wow, if there was ever a way to feel incredibly old, that was it! We had a beer at one pub (where we monopolized the jukebox with Journey and other goodies) and then moved on to another bar where we claimed a booth and people watched. We were thisclose to calling it a night, when two guys slipped into our booth and started chatting with us. My hotel roomie and I share the same name, which the guys loved (leading us to decide that we need to take this show on the road in L.A.!) and they convinced us, in spite of our reluctance, to follow them to a dance club down the street. They were on a bachelor party and as it turned out, they were the only guys in the bar who didn’t look like they were using a fake ID.

I was hoping for some good stories to ensue, but sadly, as soon as we got to the club the other guys disappeared who-knows-where and then left us with their dorky friend. Poor guy…he was perfectly nice and smart, but as far as cuteness goes, this was the classic bait and switch. When we learned the club had a cover charge (only $5, but c’mon, it’s the principle — who wants to wait behind a velvet rope in a college town?) we used that as our excuse and we hopped in the next cab.

All in all, it was a great weekend and I feel very relaxed and zen to begin the new week. I need to really kick it into high gear now, as I have been slacking at work (deservedly, after the hours I billed last month, but still.) Starting tomorrow, will work hard, I promise!

I have an update about New Guy, which has officially come to an end, but I sort of don’t want to dedicate space to him! Let’s just say that I think I may have preferred it when I thought he died.

Is that mean?

Dear, dear readers, it feels like it’s been such a long week already and it’s only Tuesday! The happy news is, our trial started today so now it’s going and there’s a sense of momentum. It’s going to be a long 2 weeks and we have our work cut out for us, but it’s also great learning. Today we spent the whole day arguing the motions in limine (for the non lawyers, they are motions to exclude certain categories of evidence) so we didn’t even get to the jury selection, but tomorrow the prospective jurors come in and we start pickin’!

Anyway, I’m sure I’ll be giving lots more updates over the next 2 weeks, but I know the law stuff isn’t the interesting stuff to most of you. And I’ve been holding out on spilling the beans about this, but I’m giving in.

I’ve met a boy.

I am still pretty firmly of the superstition that if I write down here what I’m feeling and thinking about this, it will somehow jinx it completely. But I have to say, this boy seems to be something different. We have some major chemistry, and not just in the physical sense either. On our 1st date, we met at a local pub at about 8 pm and closed the bar down, just talking. Not even an awkward moment. And then…I drove him to his car and we made out in the car for 45 minutes! I know…who does that, right? It was funny and cute in that high school sort of way …

The next date we went to a wine bar, then went for tapas and again, closed down the place talking. And again…the car makeout. (I had a feeling what would happen if I invited him upstairs.) And then, on the third date, after Friday night drinks we progressed to a sleepover.

When we went out last time, on Sunday night, I got a feeling I haven’t had in a long time. We went to dinner, then I pulled up to drop him at his place and he leaned in and started kissing me. I said “are we seriously going to do the car makeout again?” He started laughing and then invited me upstairs. He gave me a tour of his (darling) apartment and then we progressed to the bedroom.

When we were kissing I seriously felt giddy. Real, honest to goodness butterflies. At one point he laughed and asked me if I was laughing at him, and I told him the truth – that I felt like a giggly schoolgirl. It just felt so good and….normal. And my dear readers know that “normal” has not been a word to describe my recent guy situations.

At the end of the night we were snuggling and he was half asleep but he was kissing my face and nose and it was really cute. And I thought Yeah…I like this boy.

The one thing is that we are both really busy with work and he travels a lot for work, and so, despite what I’ve described, things are going slowly, which I suppose is good. But I have had to do the follow up at least a portion of the time. When I really like someone, I want to call them or email them. But I also don’t want to come on too strong, and I think that if helikes me, he should call me.

What do you think, dear readers?

*************************************

I’ve been awake for a while now
you’ve got me feelin like a child now
cause every time I see your bubbly face
I get the tingles in a silly place

Where ever, where ever, where ever you go
Where ever, where ever, where ever you go
Where ever you go, I’ll always know
Cause you make me smile here, just for a while

Stop and stare
I think I’m moving, but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared
But I’ve become what I can’t be
Ohhh

Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you’re here not there
And you’d give anything to get what’s fair
But fair ain’t what you really need
Oh, can you see what I see….

Ok, that is really apropos of nothing at all, except that I’m sort of obsessed with that song. Anyone else?

This week I feel like I have turned from a human being into a legal automaton. All the better, I suppose, to steel myself against the serious mood swings of the partner I am prepping for trial with. It is such a good thing that I am no longer the cry-at-everything girl I once was. This morning (after I was at the office till 9 pm last night, took work home and returned at 8 am, fighting a cold and snorting Zicam like crazy) the partner called me (he sits a floor below me) and when he got frustrated with something I’d done (or not done) he yelled, “I’ve got so much fucking stuff to do that has nothing to do with this case! Let’s GO!!!” Once I got down to his office, he was somewhat chastened and I think I even made him smile/laugh at one point. But I still tried to fly very low under the radar today….

On the bright side, the head of my department had me present at the litigation lunch about my recent victories, and everyone was (as they have been for the past 2 weeks) quite congratulatory. Then this afternoon a GIANT, gorgeous basket of roses appeared in my office, the likes of which I have never seen. It turned out it was from the client whose trial I won, and the card read, “Congratulations, #1 trial lawyer!” That seriously made my day. She is the sweetest person – she’s in her mid 30’s, she is divorced and lost her dad to cancer a couple of years back so she and her mom are very close, and one of the real estate partners, the one who first got her as a client, has sort of adopted her and invites her to spend time with his family on holidays. If I could transition the attorney-client relationship into a normal friendship, I totally would – perhaps I should wait until she isn’t paying me $305 an hour for my time…

On another note, no guy has EVER sent me flowers that amazing. Hmph.

As I was driving home from work at almost 10 tonight I called my mom and we were chatting. I told her all about my day and how busy I’ve been, and then suddenly she asked brightly, “So, are you dating anyone?”

I swear, even a state away my mom always has a sixth sense about these things. It’s uncanny. But more and more recently, I have grown to HATE telling my mom about new guys because she just can’t stop asking questions once you get her on a roll. As though I, who obsess about every little thing a guy says and does, really need my mother saying, “So what does guy X do? Where is he from? Does he like cats? Does he like movies? How does he feel about the hours you work? Are his parents married?” and on and on and on….

I know that she does it out of love, and I know I bear the weight particularly because I’m an only child. But I just can’t deal with another round of “Let me tell you this guy’s life story … oh, just kidding, he never called me after our 2nd date.”

So instead I just said, “Oh, I’m too busy to date.”

Not a lie, by the way. I have been on 3 dates with this recent guy, the 3rd one being this past Friday. But between his work schedule and mine, and him traveling out of town this Thurs for work again, the first time we could arrange even a tentative date (dependent on the level of trial hell) was next Sunday.

Now, I know that’s not that long, considering. But I feel like things need a bit of momentum when you first start dating, especially since things, um, progressed on our last date. Plus, we live so close to each other, it’s not even “L.A. long distance” (aka, when you live only 10-15 miles apart but because it takes an hour to get from your apartment to his after work, it might as well be long distance).

Also, our dates were all really good, but I have initiated the recent contact, which is making me feel, well..unwanted. When we parted ways on Saturday (ok, Saturday morning) he told me to call him, so I did. But I have this weird feeling that if I hadnt called him, he wouldnt have called me.

But I digress. The whole benefit of trial / legal automaton hell is supposed to be to prevent me from obsessing about anything but trial prep, not getting yelled at, and not getting fired … right?

I’m exhausted and if there is anything I should be doing on the computer tonight, it’s finishing these oppositions to motions in limine. But I have a lot to write about, and if I don’t write about it tonight there will just be more to write about tomorrow, so…here goes. (Work, shmirk.)

First things first. I WON MY TRIAL!!!!!!! Last week the judge took it under submission so I was anxiously awaiting the arrival of the court order. The judge had given us absolutely no indication as to when he would rule, so I knew it could be any time. My assistant sits on the other side of the floor from me (near the main partner she works with) and my inbox is there, so after a couple of days of shlepping across the office several times a day in my 3 inch heels to check my mail, I told her to let me know when it arrived. Today I was toiling away on another case when she appeared in my doorway and said, “Here, what you’ve been waiting for.” I read the order just enough to figure out that WE WON!! and then it was like an out of body experience – I’m not kidding that I started shrieking and jumping up and down. (Perhaps it’s a good thing that I didn’t get the result in open court –jumping and shrieking in the courtroom is even worse than jumping and shrieking in the office.)

And then I remembered why I love, love, love my firm. Within about 30 seconds after my shrieking, my office neighbor had already sent an email to the head of the firm and the head of the department so I began to get congratulatory emails about being an “undefeated trial attorney.” Such a nice feeling. Best yet, I got to call and share the great news with the client. This poor woman is the same one who was deposed all day yesterday (for a different case) and she told me that this made up for it. Whew! It’s these moments that make all the things that I was whining about yesterday worth it.

Non-sequitur: what’s up with Lipstick Jungle? I get it, I read the book and all, but I have to say as a Cashmere Mafia fan, that LJ seems like a poor man’s CM and the characters are much less likable.

But anyhoo. Next piece of news is a very … enlightening conversation that I had with C. today. It started because he had a weird post on Facebook that his “ears were burning.” We were chatting online and I asked him what it meant. As it turns out, H., the girl who’s been his local fuck buddy for the past few months turns out to have feelings for him. (Shocked? Yeah, me neither. I could have told him that.) Apparently she had claimed that she’d be ok with just the physical relationship (again, big shocker) but wasn’t and now she’s calling him a liar and berating him and talking crap about him.

Somehow this conversation segued into, “It’s important to me that things stay cool between you and me,” followed by him asking me if there were any “promising fellows” recently and I said that yes, actually there were. (Still refusing to write about it lest I jinx it but we’re going on date 3 tomorrow night. You know how much I love to gush but I am trying my best not to go there…) Anyway, C. got all excited and happy for me when I told him about New Guy and then he said “to that end, we also might want to think about the Europe trip if one or both of us end up in relationships we’re serious about, y’know?” I agreed with him and then he followed with, “there actually is someone that I’ve been dating, casually so far, that I could see being something more, so I’m actually in the exact same place.”

!!!!!!!

It’s funny – I was surprised, but somehow not at all surprised. He then went on to say that he’s just felt strange since he and K. broke up and trying to pretend he wasn’t upset and sublimate everything, but in so doing he got himself to a weird place. And he said that if he hurt my feelings he was “eternally apologetic.”

And I really would have thought that this would have been a devastating conversation. But you know what? I just felt sort of …relieved. I know I reached my pain threshold in the situation already, and I’d been stressing about all the uncertainty – what would happen if we went to Europe? What if he started dating? What if I did? Now Europe is off the table, and he IS dating someone, and the world didn’t end. One door has closed but it seems like a much bigger, prettier door has flung wide open. That’s right — I have this whole life that has nothing to do with him. And, my moodiness aside, it’s a pretty damn good one.

I have more to write but it really is bedtime. Till later, dear readers!

My day today: Left the house before 8 am and drive up to Sherman Oaks. Defended a deposition All. Day. Long. (Not very well, I might add, since I was unable to keep my client from going on long rambling tangents.) Arrived back at the office after 6 pm feeling thoroughly bedraggled. Sat and stared at my computer. Remembered that there was a law student reception going on at my firm. Put on a happy face and went upstairs to shmooze. (By the way, to any law students or former law students – would you ever go to a law firm reception wearing high heeled boots over jeans? yeah, didn’t think so.) Headed home. Stopped at Gelson’s where I bought: wet cat food, dry cat food, cat litter, and a salad for me. Had the awful realization that I see the cashiers at Gelson’s more often than almost anyone else in my life, aside from perhaps my legal assistant. (Oh, how I so wish I were kidding.) Arrived home where I stripped off my suit, so I am now wearing a tank top, undies and knee socks. (No, not nearly as naughty schoolgirl as it sounds.) And now my cat and I are sitting on the couch watching America’s Next Top Model.

Don’t lie to me. Is that pathetic or what?

As much as there are things I love about my job, I sometimes can’t help but begrudge just how busy and overwhelmed I have constantly felt recently…actually, more than recently. I know there are lots of lawyers, including some I know, who work more than I do and still manage to have a life, but frankly, I just suck at that. When I am tired and busy, my whole life falls into shambles. I don’t call or email people, my dishes pile up in the sink, my laundry piles up in its basket. And I know that I need to suck it up and realize that things aren’t going to get easier anytime soon, so I just need to get used to trying to do more with the time I have.

I’m a single girl in her late 20’s. That being the case, I feel like it would be good for me if I joined organizations and groups, went out for happy hours, was generally social. But instead, it’s all I can do to have occasional dinners with my girlfriends and to call my mother a few times a week.

A few months ago my mom asked me, not unkindly, just frankly: “Who’s going to want to date you with your schedule?” And, like most things my mom tells me (e.g. “the C. situation is a train wreck”) I ignored her because she was right but I didn’s want to hear it. But really, who will want to date me? When I get home I am most often exhausted, and in general, I have to say I don’t think I’ve ever been a particularly good girlfriend anyway.

And you know what that means. I’m going to end up married.

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Except, instead of being married to a man, I’ll be married to my job.

Sorry, dear readers, for the whining. Better luck tomorrow.