I Think I’m Moving But I Go Nowhere…

Stop and stare
I think I’m moving, but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared
But I’ve become what I can’t be
Ohhh

Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you’re here not there
And you’d give anything to get what’s fair
But fair ain’t what you really need
Oh, can you see what I see
….

Ok, that is really apropos of nothing at all, except that I’m sort of obsessed with that song. Anyone else?

This week I feel like I have turned from a human being into a legal automaton. All the better, I suppose, to steel myself against the serious mood swings of the partner I am prepping for trial with. It is such a good thing that I am no longer the cry-at-everything girl I once was. This morning (after I was at the office till 9 pm last night, took work home and returned at 8 am, fighting a cold and snorting Zicam like crazy) the partner called me (he sits a floor below me) and when he got frustrated with something I’d done (or not done) he yelled, “I’ve got so much fucking stuff to do that has nothing to do with this case! Let’s GO!!!” Once I got down to his office, he was somewhat chastened and I think I even made him smile/laugh at one point. But I still tried to fly very low under the radar today….

On the bright side, the head of my department had me present at the litigation lunch about my recent victories, and everyone was (as they have been for the past 2 weeks) quite congratulatory. Then this afternoon a GIANT, gorgeous basket of roses appeared in my office, the likes of which I have never seen. It turned out it was from the client whose trial I won, and the card read, “Congratulations, #1 trial lawyer!” That seriously made my day. She is the sweetest person – she’s in her mid 30’s, she is divorced and lost her dad to cancer a couple of years back so she and her mom are very close, and one of the real estate partners, the one who first got her as a client, has sort of adopted her and invites her to spend time with his family on holidays. If I could transition the attorney-client relationship into a normal friendship, I totally would – perhaps I should wait until she isn’t paying me $305 an hour for my time… 🙂

On another note, no guy has EVER sent me flowers that amazing. Hmph.

As I was driving home from work at almost 10 tonight I called my mom and we were chatting. I told her all about my day and how busy I’ve been, and then suddenly she asked brightly, “So, are you dating anyone?”

I swear, even a state away my mom always has a sixth sense about these things. It’s uncanny. But more and more recently, I have grown to HATE telling my mom about new guys because she just can’t stop asking questions once you get her on a roll. As though I, who obsess about every little thing a guy says and does, really need my mother saying, “So what does guy X do? Where is he from? Does he like cats? Does he like movies? How does he feel about the hours you work? Are his parents married?” and on and on and on….

I know that she does it out of love, and I know I bear the weight particularly because I’m an only child. But I just can’t deal with another round of “Let me tell you this guy’s life story … oh, just kidding, he never called me after our 2nd date.”

So instead I just said, “Oh, I’m too busy to date.”

Not a lie, by the way. I have been on 3 dates with this recent guy, the 3rd one being this past Friday. But between his work schedule and mine, and him traveling out of town this Thurs for work again, the first time we could arrange even a tentative date (dependent on the level of trial hell) was next Sunday.

Now, I know that’s not that long, considering. But I feel like things need a bit of momentum when you first start dating, especially since things, um, progressed on our last date. Plus, we live so close to each other, it’s not even “L.A. long distance” (aka, when you live only 10-15 miles apart but because it takes an hour to get from your apartment to his after work, it might as well be long distance).

Also, our dates were all really good, but I have initiated the recent contact, which is making me feel, well..unwanted. When we parted ways on Saturday (ok, Saturday morning) he told me to call him, so I did. But I have this weird feeling that if I hadnt called him, he wouldnt have called me.

But I digress. The whole benefit of trial / legal automaton hell is supposed to be to prevent me from obsessing about anything but trial prep, not getting yelled at, and not getting fired … right?

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The Reason is Because

First of all, I am watching the Oscars and I have a few thoughts. 1) Anyone else get choked up at Diablo Cody‘s acceptance speech? 2) I am ecstatic that “Falling Slowly” won Best Song. Once is such a gem. 3) Watching the Oscars makes me feel particularly un-glamorous (not that I normally feel glamorous…) I have been told a handful of times that I look like Anne Hathaway, and looking at her tonight I really wish that were true.

One of my favorite books of short stories of all time is The Girls Guide to Hunting and Fishing. It’s a great book of stories because, with the exception of one story, they all focus on one character, Jane Rosenal, from teenagehood into adulthood. In the stories she has two main loves in her young adult life: her first real boyfriend, Jamie, and then her much-older, famous-editor, diabetic, alcoholic man-friend Archie Knox. The stories stand alone but are best together.

Loving this book so much, I was very excited when I found out it was being made into a movie. I was somewhat less excited when I found out that the protagonist was being played by Sarah Michelle Gellar. I was thoroughly disappointed when I found that the movie was named Suburban Girl, Archie Knox was played by Alec Baldwin, and the move had gone straight to DVD.

Of course, out of morbid curiosity, I rented the movie anyway, and it was just as disappointing as I would have imagined. My advice to you is, read the book but for God’s sake, skip the movie, if only to avoid seeing Alec and Sarah Michelle make out (ick, ick, ick) and to avoid such dialogue as

Brett (what they renamed Jane)’s dad (tenderly): Brett Eisenberg, M.D.
Brett: M.D.?
Brett’s dad: My daughter.

Puke. The only redeeming thing about the movie was that my friends and I got the pleasure of doing an hour and a half of running commentary. Had the movie escaped the straight-to-DVD fate, I would have likely spent $10 – $14 going to see it AND I would not have had the pleasure. So, yay for it being THAT shitty?

Girls Guide is a book I have read over and over again. One of the things I still remember is that at one point Jane and Archie (the editor) are having a fight and she says “the reason is because…” and he just lays into her about how that is an incorrect expression. I remember thinking, Ugh, that is the worst thing about fights with a significant other – how they can pick out the one thing that will get under your skin. But even worse, it got under my skin to such a degree that every time I hear myself or someone else say “the reason is because,” the little hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Sigh.

I really want to write about my recent dating interest but I’m still not going to because I don’t want to jinx it with either gushing or paranoia/insecurity, which I waffle back and forth between every five minutes. Perhaps if it turns into something, I’ll write about it. Then again, the more real a relationship is, the less I want to write about it. If that’s the case I’ll just have to refocus this blog!

A final Oscars note: I’m very disappointed that Juno didn’t get best picture though I suppose not totally surprised. I am behind in my movie watching…still need to see a lot of the contenders.

But for now, dear readers, time to sign off and watch some Jane Austen Book Club. Hope this is less disappointing …

Undefeated

I’m exhausted and if there is anything I should be doing on the computer tonight, it’s finishing these oppositions to motions in limine. But I have a lot to write about, and if I don’t write about it tonight there will just be more to write about tomorrow, so…here goes. (Work, shmirk.)

First things first. I WON MY TRIAL!!!!!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂 Last week the judge took it under submission so I was anxiously awaiting the arrival of the court order. The judge had given us absolutely no indication as to when he would rule, so I knew it could be any time. My assistant sits on the other side of the floor from me (near the main partner she works with) and my inbox is there, so after a couple of days of shlepping across the office several times a day in my 3 inch heels to check my mail, I told her to let me know when it arrived. Today I was toiling away on another case when she appeared in my doorway and said, “Here, what you’ve been waiting for.” I read the order just enough to figure out that WE WON!! and then it was like an out of body experience – I’m not kidding that I started shrieking and jumping up and down. (Perhaps it’s a good thing that I didn’t get the result in open court –jumping and shrieking in the courtroom is even worse than jumping and shrieking in the office.)

And then I remembered why I love, love, love my firm. Within about 30 seconds after my shrieking, my office neighbor had already sent an email to the head of the firm and the head of the department so I began to get congratulatory emails about being an “undefeated trial attorney.” Such a nice feeling. Best yet, I got to call and share the great news with the client. This poor woman is the same one who was deposed all day yesterday (for a different case) and she told me that this made up for it. Whew! It’s these moments that make all the things that I was whining about yesterday worth it.

Non-sequitur: what’s up with Lipstick Jungle? I get it, I read the book and all, but I have to say as a Cashmere Mafia fan, that LJ seems like a poor man’s CM and the characters are much less likable.

But anyhoo. Next piece of news is a very … enlightening conversation that I had with C. today. It started because he had a weird post on Facebook that his “ears were burning.” We were chatting online and I asked him what it meant. As it turns out, H., the girl who’s been his local fuck buddy for the past few months turns out to have feelings for him. (Shocked? Yeah, me neither. I could have told him that.) Apparently she had claimed that she’d be ok with just the physical relationship (again, big shocker) but wasn’t and now she’s calling him a liar and berating him and talking crap about him.

Somehow this conversation segued into, “It’s important to me that things stay cool between you and me,” followed by him asking me if there were any “promising fellows” recently and I said that yes, actually there were. (Still refusing to write about it lest I jinx it but we’re going on date 3 tomorrow night. You know how much I love to gush but I am trying my best not to go there…) Anyway, C. got all excited and happy for me when I told him about New Guy and then he said “to that end, we also might want to think about the Europe trip if one or both of us end up in relationships we’re serious about, y’know?” I agreed with him and then he followed with, “there actually is someone that I’ve been dating, casually so far, that I could see being something more, so I’m actually in the exact same place.”

!!!!!!!

It’s funny – I was surprised, but somehow not at all surprised. He then went on to say that he’s just felt strange since he and K. broke up and trying to pretend he wasn’t upset and sublimate everything, but in so doing he got himself to a weird place. And he said that if he hurt my feelings he was “eternally apologetic.”

And I really would have thought that this would have been a devastating conversation. But you know what? I just felt sort of …relieved. I know I reached my pain threshold in the situation already, and I’d been stressing about all the uncertainty – what would happen if we went to Europe? What if he started dating? What if I did? Now Europe is off the table, and he IS dating someone, and the world didn’t end. One door has closed but it seems like a much bigger, prettier door has flung wide open. That’s right — I have this whole life that has nothing to do with him. And, my moodiness aside, it’s a pretty damn good one.

I have more to write but it really is bedtime. Till later, dear readers!

And the “most pathetic” award goes to…

My day today: Left the house before 8 am and drive up to Sherman Oaks. Defended a deposition All. Day. Long. (Not very well, I might add, since I was unable to keep my client from going on long rambling tangents.) Arrived back at the office after 6 pm feeling thoroughly bedraggled. Sat and stared at my computer. Remembered that there was a law student reception going on at my firm. Put on a happy face and went upstairs to shmooze. (By the way, to any law students or former law students – would you ever go to a law firm reception wearing high heeled boots over jeans? yeah, didn’t think so.) Headed home. Stopped at Gelson’s where I bought: wet cat food, dry cat food, cat litter, and a salad for me. Had the awful realization that I see the cashiers at Gelson’s more often than almost anyone else in my life, aside from perhaps my legal assistant. (Oh, how I so wish I were kidding.) Arrived home where I stripped off my suit, so I am now wearing a tank top, undies and knee socks. (No, not nearly as naughty schoolgirl as it sounds.) And now my cat and I are sitting on the couch watching America’s Next Top Model.

Don’t lie to me. Is that pathetic or what?

As much as there are things I love about my job, I sometimes can’t help but begrudge just how busy and overwhelmed I have constantly felt recently…actually, more than recently. I know there are lots of lawyers, including some I know, who work more than I do and still manage to have a life, but frankly, I just suck at that. When I am tired and busy, my whole life falls into shambles. I don’t call or email people, my dishes pile up in the sink, my laundry piles up in its basket. And I know that I need to suck it up and realize that things aren’t going to get easier anytime soon, so I just need to get used to trying to do more with the time I have.

I’m a single girl in her late 20’s. That being the case, I feel like it would be good for me if I joined organizations and groups, went out for happy hours, was generally social. But instead, it’s all I can do to have occasional dinners with my girlfriends and to call my mother a few times a week.

A few months ago my mom asked me, not unkindly, just frankly: “Who’s going to want to date you with your schedule?” And, like most things my mom tells me (e.g. “the C. situation is a train wreck”) I ignored her because she was right but I didn’s want to hear it. But really, who will want to date me? When I get home I am most often exhausted, and in general, I have to say I don’t think I’ve ever been a particularly good girlfriend anyway.

And you know what that means. I’m going to end up married.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Except, instead of being married to a man, I’ll be married to my job.

Sorry, dear readers, for the whining. Better luck tomorrow.

The rest is still unwritten

My dear readers may be happy to know that things are looking up. I genuinely did just reach my outer limit with the C. angst. And I realized that I wasn’t doing anything but torturing myself. Obsessing over C., wishing he would call me or write to me or come around and admit he has feelings for me, was only making me truly miserable. And let me be honest — I shed a lot of tears over C. when I was 18 and we broke up. I thought he was “the one” (when I still believed in “the one”) and I felt like my whole world was crashing down because things were supposed to go a different way. Then this time around I think I had some childish notion that everything that each of us went through over the past 10 years was just inevitably supposed to lead us back to each other.

But of course that’s not true. The person who I’m meant to be with isn’t going to be the person who makes me cry, who’s willing to sleep with me but not willing to date me, who brings out the insecure, paranoid, immature side of me. The person who I’m meant to be with will be just as crazy about me as I am about him, will make me laugh instead of cry, will want to be with me in every way and not just on his terms.

Recently I’ve begun to lose faith in love … but at the end of the day, I’m still an optimist and I still believe it’s possible to meet someone who has what I’m looking for.

In other news, my job is going really well. Last week I tried my first case, which scared the crap out of me ahead of time, but actually ended up being…fun! There are some things about my job that are mundane and boring and even downright loathsome, but the fact that I can get such a kick out of being a “real lawyer” makes me think that perhaps litigation is the right thing for me after all. I never used to be a very competitive person at ALL…but I think 2 1/2 years on the job has brought out a part of my personality that I never knew existed. (For better or for worse…)

And it’s a good thing that I’m on a yay-job kick right now, because for the next month or so, my job is officially going to be my life. I’m 2nd chairing a jury trial that starts March 4, and apparently the partner and I will be getting hotel rooms downtown for the duration of the trial. (My first thought was, “What about my cat??”) Our days will be spent in court, where we first have to pick a jury (exciting!) and I will then become Exhibit Girl (fine by me). Then in the evening we’ll have a pseudo-office set up in the hotel and so work … and get up and do it again. On the one hand, I know it’s going to be crazy and intense and tiring and I feel sort of exhausted just thinking about it. On the other hand, I know it’s going to be an amazing experience and I’m so excited. The partner is one of my firm’s main trial lawyers, and I cannot wait to see him in action and be his right-hand person.

On a final note, dear readers — I have a crush. But I have officially jinxed every single guy I have written about since I began blogging, so for now, mum’s the word…. 🙂

Put a fork in me…

…’cause I’m done.

I’ve said it before, but this time I mean it. Today marks the last day that I spend obsessing over C. So I’m going to get it out of my system.

(Note: I swear there is WAY more going on in my life than this (hello, first trial!!), and I will write about those other things at some point. It’s just that after a long week and 2 glasses of wine, these are the things I think–nay, ruminate–about. I suppose that wine just makes me…well, whine.)

My friends might think I’m over C. already because I’ve been trying not to talk about him as much. Meanwhile he and I have been chatting online all. the. time. Sometimes we chat about stupid stuff and sometimes we have heart to hearts, but the bottom line is that I spend way, way more time talking to him than I should.

On Tuesday night, the night before my trial he and I were chatting online and my computer kept acting up. I finally texted him that I was going to sleep and he texted back, “Hey, final pep talk. Yer smart, u know this case cold, u really enjoy being right, & least important, u r really, really sexy. Go get it!”

I’m not gonna lie. My heart definitely skipped a beat. My first reaction was a ridiculous grin. My second reaction was “what the fuck?” Really, do you have to tease a girl like that?

C. told me he wanted to know all about the trial and so on Wed on my way home from work I called him. I could hear it was loud in the background and sure enough, he was out at a bar. (It was 6 pm by the way, which is the earliest I’ve left work in an eternity, and he was drinking. Oh, to be a student again…) “Hey, I’m just having drinks with H., chatting about the office,” C. said.

My heart sank. H. is the girl in C.’s office that he’s screwing. I could tell that my voice got all weird. I hate, hate, hate being jealous and I especially hate, hate, hate being jealous about someone who doesn’t have feelings for me, is never going to date me, and doesn’t even live in the same goddamn STATE as I do.

So then I start to feel angry but really I just feel angry at myself for continuing to feel something so long after the point when it’s rational to have those feelings. I don’t want to think about him. I don’t want to want him. So why can’t I just stop already? Why can’t I stop looking at all the girls who comment on his Facebook page (can I just say – this is why Facebook, Myspace etc are the DEVIL)? Why can’t I stop chatting with him, texting with him, planning a trip with him??

And I’m trying. I had a date this week, and a successful one at that. (I will write about it at some point but don’t want to jinx it.) But there’s some part of me that feels like I’m just going to sabotage myself because I’m so hung up on something I can never have. Maybe subconsciously I just am not ready to be with someone, so I’ll find reasons not to be.

Or maybe I’m just a silly girl who is pseudo-in-love with her married ex-boyfriend…

Lawyer/Fabulous

I’m clearly a poor excuse for an adult. I’m watching the Super Tuesday election coverage, and it’s quite interesting, but it’s 8:59 and in 1 minute, One Tree Hill starts. I am ashamed to admit that I am seriously, seriously tempted to switch over. Hillary, Barack, Mitt & John…or Chad Michael, Sophia et al? It’s a tough call, people. This is why I should never have given up TiVo.

Anyway, exciting news on the work front – I get to try my first case next week! Ok, so it’s a very straightforward unlawful detainer (aka commercial eviction) case. Ok, so the partner on the case estimates that the whole trial will take an hour. Still…I will be there all by my lonesome (the partner may not even come with me), doing direct examination, opening statement and all that good stuff. And on Friday I get to depose the 2 defendants. So it’s really pretty cool that I get to do these things as a 3rd year associate. In fact, it’s these “real lawyer” type things that make it all worthwhile and give me the butterflies I love…and the fact that I’m excited about this makes me think that perhaps my job, my firm, litigation and the law in general iswhat I should be doing.

Cross your fingers for me!

I think being busy at work also helps quell the awful tendency to navel-gaze, which perhaps makes for good blog but overall, maybe not overly helpful…

I did have a good epiphany today when talking to C., though. Actually, I keep having the same epiphany over & over, but instead of just telling myself, I really feel it now. We are back to chatting online, and today he was telling me about how K. hasn’t told her parents yet about their breakup/impending divorce. (Side note: how, how, how, could you manage to keep something like that from your parents for 2 1/2 MONTHS? With the glaring exception of my weekend in Yachats with C., I seem to feel compelled to share way too much with my parents.) Anyway, in our chat it was clear that he is angry and frustrated and all the things you’d expect. And I thought, No shit. He’s GETTING DIVORCED!

Then, I had the vision of what it would be like if C. were to have responded to my outpouring of feelings by saying that he had feelings for me too. What then? We’d still be in different cities; he’d still be getting divorced; and I would have to deal with his anger and sadness and frustration not as a supportive friend, but as more than a friend. Frankly, that’s not something I have any interest in doing.

I think a big part of the appeal with C. was a subconscious thought that, With him I won’t have to start over completely from scratch. We already know each other, each other’s families and some friends, we have the same sense of humor, like the same movies, have that natural chemistry. It can be daunting to start over from square one with a new guy. And another new guy. And another new guy. There are a couple of great quotes about this in the other book my co worker L. bought for me, The Between Boyfriends Book: A Collection of Cautiously Hopeful Essays. :

“There’s nothing worse than almost marrying someone, breaking it off, and having to start over with a blind date. It’s like failing your senior year of high school and having to go back to kindergarten.”

And better yet:

“Some men admit they avoid confrontation beacause they’re afraid we’ll cry. Of course we’ll cry; we cry at Hallmark commercials. What they don’t understand is that we’re not crying because of them, we’re crying because now we have to get naked in front of someone else. It’s enough already.”

Boy, do I love Cindy Chupack. But anyway, as much as these quotes ring true, my point is, recycling an ex is a poor solution to the problem. As the same co-worker L., the giver of the books, said to me w/ respect to the C. thing (and with respect to me sleeping with the last guy I dated 2 months after we broke up – but that’s another story), “Recycling is good for the environment, but it’s bad for your environment.”

Amen, sister.

On that note, I am continuing with the online thing but haven’t had any real live dates since my last coffee date a few weeks ago. Guy-who-calls-me-Amy asked me for drinks tomorrow, but out of busy-ness and laziness and lack of interest I failed to email him back for a few days so now I don’t know if it’s a go. And there’s another guy who I’m interested in, but he hasn’t asked me out, and I don’t want to jinx it. And a couple others I’m emailing too.

On Super Bowl Sunday I received a dating strategies lecture from a guy who we lovingly call Zoolander behind his back, and his “dating strategy” was basically a description of what dating is — seeing a bunch of ppl and not getting involved with any of them right away. But it occurred to me that I never really do that – I tend to zero my sights on one person and get horse blinders to everyone else. So this new so-called “strategy” may in fact be genius advice.

And if Zoolander can do it, why can’t I?