Feeling Alive All Over Again…

Hello, dear readers! I know that I have been MIA for way too long, as a result of trial and my post-trial recuperation period, but yes, I am alive and well. In fact, I am MORE than well, since I have rediscovered how fantastic it is to spend the weekend doing something other than working!!

Over the past few weeks, I feel like I have gotten a whole new lease on life. Yes, the trial itself was grueling. Long hours, mean judge, slightly nutty client, sometimes grumpy partner, and a disappointing outcome (a unanimous jury verdict against us). But all that notwithstanding, somehow this past month of nose-to-the-grindstone concentration has been exactly what I needed to break me of the funk that I’d been in since…who even knows when.

I realize now, in a way that comes only with hindsight, what a low and lonely period I was going through. I had a hard time when the last guy I dated broke up with me back in August, and he and I kept in touch, hooked up a couple months later, and he was still on my mind a lot until I got involved in the C. train wreck over Christmas and through January. Everything that happened with C. felt, at the time (coming on the heels of several guys I had dated online rejecting me) like a confirmation that any guy out there will doubtless break my heart. I brightened up when I met New Guy a month 1/2 ago, but still, I was hanging my hopes and my expectations on him, and not looking out for myself.

And along came the trial, and all of a sudden I had no time or energy to focus on anything but work. Instead of stressing about guys, I was able to just focus on each day of trial. I also read this book about being single that my parents bought me for Christmas that I had sort of rolled my eyes at, but it was surprisingly inspiring.

And it seems unbelievable, but now I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long, long time. No guys; no angst; no tears. I am just completely enjoying being me and being on my own. I’m seeing all my friends, I went hiking over the weekend (Dear readers, I cannot tell you how sore I am. SF needs to work out more, I am SO out of shape!), I’m reading, I’m going to events, I’m giving my cat lots of love, and I’m…well, content. For so many months I would fall asleep feeling sad and wake up feeling anxious. I would pull the covers over my head and wish I never had to get out of bed. Now, recently, I fall asleep and wake up smiling. It’s such an incredible feeling.

And for once in my life, this happiness has nothing to do with a guy! In fact, things with New Guy totally fizzled out, but it’s ok. I think a month or two ago I would have felt bitter and pissed off and disillusioned about this, but I don’t. I feel like I have so many things in my life, and I want to keep my life and heart open for people (family, friends, or lovers) who fit with who I am and make me feel good, so it makes it easy to let go of anyone who doesn’t fit into that category.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I finally, at long last, feel single and fabulous.

It’s good to be back!

PS. Apropos of nothing – I am totally crushing on Jim Sturgess. Anyone else?

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Wishin’ and Hopin’

Warning, dear readers: I’m in a funk tonight, so this is bound to be a major Debbie Downer post. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I was hoping that I could get some much needed R & R this weekend, and instead I’m incredibly burnt out, exhausted, and on-edge in that way that only “that time” of the month can accomplish. I feel sad and frustrated and lonely and anxious and I don’t know what to do to fix any of it. Normally the best thing to cheer me up is to start making fun plans for the week or weekend, but since I am officially consumed by the black hole that is trial, that’s impossible.

Wah wah wahhhh.

The trial? Awesome for my career, but brutal for my life (such as it is). We picked a jury, did opening statements and started in on the 1st witness. During the day, my tasks consist of keeping track of which exhibits are identified; paying close attention and taking notes; and perhaps most importantly, babysitting the client when the partner needs his time and space to prep for trial, instead of listen to the incessant running commentary by the client about all the things we need to make sure the jury hears. It’s a lot more tiring than it sounds, and then once I get back to the office the “real” work begins.

One week down…two to go. Sigh.

The good news is, I am learning a lot and it’s fun watching the partner in action. But I really, really badly am craving a whole weekend of no work.

Last night I had another date with New Guy, and as always, we had a really nice time. We went to dinner, shared a bottle of wine and talked and talked and then went to a comedy show, which was quite funny. When we were walking to the comedy show from my place, he grabbed me and kissed me, which I love – the spontaneous gestures like that. We had to wait quite a while in line for the comedy show and we were sort of holding hands and snuggling. Then when we got back to my apartment after the show it was already after 1 am and we basically just pounced on each other. 🙂 He spent the night and it was soooo hard to get up and go to work this morning! He’s really darling.

But as much as I enjoy our dates, I still find him to be a hard read. When we said goodbye today, he just gave me a kiss and said “Have a good week!” He is now headed out of town for a combined 3 weeks of trips. The last couple of times we’ve gone out, I’ve been the first one to follow up by email or phone. He always calls me back, and then he will initiate calling after I make the first call, but it always makes me wonder.

Dear readers, is this just me over analyzing? Do I need to just chill out?

I talked to C. online yesterday for the 1st time in a week or so, and he started going on and on about how this new girl he’s dating is the “real deal” and how she’s been really really good for him but he is super distracted from school. I asked what he was going to do when he moves to Portland and she’s still in school in Eugene and he said, “well, I’ve done the long distance thing before.”

When he told me he was never doing a long distance thing again and that he just couldn’t reciprocate my feelings, I was stupid enough to believe that it was just the situation. I don’t think he even realizes what a hypocrite he’s being. But I admit it pissed me off. More than I’d like it to.

Seriously, why can’t I be the girl that the guy just can’t help picking up the phone and calling because he’s thinking about her?

Bubbly

Dear, dear readers, it feels like it’s been such a long week already and it’s only Tuesday! The happy news is, our trial started today so now it’s going and there’s a sense of momentum. It’s going to be a long 2 weeks and we have our work cut out for us, but it’s also great learning. Today we spent the whole day arguing the motions in limine (for the non lawyers, they are motions to exclude certain categories of evidence) so we didn’t even get to the jury selection, but tomorrow the prospective jurors come in and we start pickin’!

Anyway, I’m sure I’ll be giving lots more updates over the next 2 weeks, but I know the law stuff isn’t the interesting stuff to most of you. And I’ve been holding out on spilling the beans about this, but I’m giving in.

I’ve met a boy.

I am still pretty firmly of the superstition that if I write down here what I’m feeling and thinking about this, it will somehow jinx it completely. But I have to say, this boy seems to be something different. We have some major chemistry, and not just in the physical sense either. On our 1st date, we met at a local pub at about 8 pm and closed the bar down, just talking. Not even an awkward moment. And then…I drove him to his car and we made out in the car for 45 minutes! I know…who does that, right? It was funny and cute in that high school sort of way …

The next date we went to a wine bar, then went for tapas and again, closed down the place talking. And again…the car makeout. (I had a feeling what would happen if I invited him upstairs.) And then, on the third date, after Friday night drinks we progressed to a sleepover.

When we went out last time, on Sunday night, I got a feeling I haven’t had in a long time. We went to dinner, then I pulled up to drop him at his place and he leaned in and started kissing me. I said “are we seriously going to do the car makeout again?” He started laughing and then invited me upstairs. He gave me a tour of his (darling) apartment and then we progressed to the bedroom.

When we were kissing I seriously felt giddy. Real, honest to goodness butterflies. At one point he laughed and asked me if I was laughing at him, and I told him the truth – that I felt like a giggly schoolgirl. It just felt so good and….normal. And my dear readers know that “normal” has not been a word to describe my recent guy situations.

At the end of the night we were snuggling and he was half asleep but he was kissing my face and nose and it was really cute. And I thought Yeah…I like this boy.

The one thing is that we are both really busy with work and he travels a lot for work, and so, despite what I’ve described, things are going slowly, which I suppose is good. But I have had to do the follow up at least a portion of the time. When I really like someone, I want to call them or email them. But I also don’t want to come on too strong, and I think that if helikes me, he should call me.

What do you think, dear readers?

*************************************

I’ve been awake for a while now
you’ve got me feelin like a child now
cause every time I see your bubbly face
I get the tingles in a silly place

It starts in my toes
and I crinkle my nose
wherever it goes I always know
that you make me smile
please stay for a while now
just take your time
wherever you go

The rain is fallin on my window pane
but we are hidin in a safer place
under covers stayin dry and warm
you give me feelings that I adore

It starts in my toes
make me crinkle my nose
wherever it goes
i always know
that you make me smile
please stay for a while now
just take your time
wherever you go

What am I gonna say
when you make me feel this way
I just……..mmmmmm

It starts in my toes
make me crinkle my nose
wherever it goes
i always know
that you make me smile
please stay for a while now
just take your time
wherever you go

I’ve been asleep for a while now
You tucked me in just like a child now
Cause every time you hold me in your arms
I’m comfortable enough to feel your warmth

It starts in my soul
And I lose all control
When you kiss my nose
The feelin shows
Cause you make me smile
Baby just take your time now
Holdin me tight

Where ever, where ever, where ever you go
Where ever, where ever, where ever you go
Where ever you go, I’ll always know
Cause you make me smile here, just for a while