Douchebaggery, Ivy Style

***Warning: Ivy League insults ahead.  Ivy leaguers who read my blog (ahem, KB), close your eyes and/or promise not to be TOO offended.***

Tonight I went to an event put on by The Ivy Plus Society.  (Also known as “TIPS.”)  This is a group whose members are exclusively people who went to one of a short list of schools — Ivy league or similar.  You don’t have to be a TIPS member to go to an event, you can be invited by a member, which is good… being that I don’t qualify for TIPS since neither my undergrad nor my law school appear on the short list of sufficiently-elite institutions.  (Though, the med school and business school at the university where I did law school ARE on the list.  Hmm.)

I was originally supposed to go with my co-worker R., who went to Harvard Law, but she had to work late so I persuaded my dear friend T. to accompany me.  “I hope you know how much your friendship means to me since I am going to hang out with a bunch of snooty Ivy leaguers with you on a Tuesday night,” she emailed me.  After we left the event, she remarked, “Yep, that was the level of douchebaggery that I would expect from the Ivy League.”

The event was put on at a swanky bar in Hollywood.  When we arrived, we checked in under my faux name and we headed to the bar to get drinks (the typically obscene $11 for a vodka/grapefruit juice, when really I should have just gotten a soda cause it was so damn hot at the rooftop bar.  What is up with it being 90 plus degrees in almost-October?  Sheesh).  Then we went up to the roof.  It was a really well attended event – the roof was teeming with people, and I was sort of startled by how good looking some of the people were, both men and women.  We talked in our own huddle for a while before venturing into the masses.  It didn’t take long for us to be approached, and from then on we were talking in groups.  I even gave out my business card to a few people — my  firm’s marketing director would be so proud.  (Is it bad that I am hoping to God none of them call or email me?)

There was one particular guy who stood out as receiving the Douchebag award of the evening, however.   He approached us with the winning line, “So we have new question other than ‘What do you do?’ Instead, we’ll ask ‘Where have you been lately?'”

Douchebag had recently been to the East Coast, where he’s from.  Douchebag’s Friend (DF), who was actually really nice, apparently had been somewhere soooo cool that he had to save talking about it till the end.  But when it came around, DF said he’d recently been to Burning Man and he was telling us all about it.  Now, I know Burning Man is a huge event.  And call me a snob, yuppie, prude, what have you.  But seriously, a big party in the desert?  Are we still in college?  As Sarah Palin claims to have said about the Bridge to Nowhere (ha!  HA!), “Thanks, but no thanks.”

Douchebag is a software engineer but was wearing the Hollywood Douche uniform of jeans, T shirt and white blazer.  When talking to me and another girl, he gave insightful (not) commentary on how he wouldn’t mind a Great Depression if it would sort itself out afterward.  He kept making comments that would have us glancing sidelong at each other, mouths agape.   He said he really likes body language more than just spoken language.  He said it with a seflf assured way and a cock of the head that implied, “Why don’t we go communicate through some body language in my apartment, baby.”

Douchebag also was the second person in as many networking events I have attended recently to tell me that I am “unassuming.”  T. started laughing and told him that wasn’t the first time that I’d heard that recently.  He then tried really hard to say “that’s a good thing!  Really, don’t change!”  (My dear readers said the same thing, I guess it must be true.)   Not that I want to be the opposite of unassuming — but I don’t know, I think I’d rather that not be the first adjective that jumps to mind.

Douchebag also apparently told T., while I was talking to someone else, that she is “sensual.”  Yeah, hi, Creepy McCreeperson.  Don’t let the gorgeous engagement ring stop you.

And he told T. and me, eyes shifting and rolling drunkenly in his head, that men didn’t know how to be men anymore, that the club scene has changed since he moved to LA in 2001.

And because I, unlike T., have not perfected the art of clean escape, and because we had talked to these guys so long at this point that I felt bad despite myself, I gave them both my card.

Here’s hoping they don’t use it.


8 Responses

  1. Here’s to you SF for being the biggest DB of the evening by giving them your card 😛

    (and just FYI (how many more super cool anacronyms can I use?! lol), I’m teasing you! I had to clarify so that my intended sarcasm doesn’t come across as me just being purely mean!)

    If they ever call you, make sure to pass them off to the biggest DB in your firm 😉 I’m sure they’ll have a swell time working together!

  2. The irony? Douchbag probably has tons more luck with the ladies than I do. Because that’s how the universe rolls…

  3. Note to douchebags everywhere: Please check for an engagement ring before using such prized lines as, “I can tell you’re a very sensual person.” **shudder** Yes, I am, I’m sensing what a huge douchebag you are!

    A fun night and great fodder for your blog! Thanks for inviting me along! 🙂

  4. When talking to me and another girl, he gave insightful (not) commentary on how he wouldn’t mind a Great Depression if it would sort itself out afterward.

    The last Great Depression gave us:

    * millions dead from famine
    * displacement of millions more
    * the rise of three great dictatorships
    * a world war that killed 50 million people
    * the Holocaust
    * nuclear weapons

    So… the Ivy Leaguers are supposed to be the smart ones, right?

  5. “Douchebaggery, Ivy Style” is quite possibly one of the most amazing blog titles of all time. Seriously, it’s genius.

    And the guy’s “wouldn’t mind a Great Depression” comment… thank you Cmajor for clearing up why exactly the moron is a heartless fucktard bastard.

  6. To add to cmajor’s comment…let’s not forget the last Great Depression also resulted in FDR’s “New Deal” which included welfare, unemployment, and the mother of all f*** ups, Social Security. Oh and it also reformed the banking system…glad we got that mess sorted out the first time around. So maybe if there was another Great Depression, it would allow for even more lazy, self-indulgent people to quit work and live off of everyone else. Here’s hoping DB will keep his job so he can support me!

  7. Woman!!! where have you been all my life!?!?!? I’ve missed your comments!!! lol 😛

  8. Hey…..just checking in. We haven’t heard much from you lately. Hope everything is going well. That new boy must be keeping you pretty busy…..


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