It’s Official – I’m Crazy

I can hear my dear readers saying simultaneously, “Well, we knew that.”  But I’m not just talking about the weekly dose of neuroses that I divulge on this blog.  I’m talking about a real, serious mental disorder.  And if I’m guessing correctly based on what I know of you, dear readers, particularly my blogger friends– I’d bet that some of you are afflicted with it too. My question is, what is the cure for this particular disorder?  It probably does not include endless games of Scrabulous (some people I know, ahem Knittikins, insist on starting like 5 games with me at once), nor Gmail chatting, nor blogging, nor reading other people’s blogs (thank you J. for enlightening me about Google Reader, the new love of my life), nor any of the other things that make my work day tolerable.  And call me crazy if you will, but we all need some way to get through the day in one piece, right?

 In fact, I’ve been thinking that I want to devote even more time to this here blog.  Often I don’t write unless the mood strikes or unless something in particular inspires me to —

[OMG.  I had to interrupt this to say that I just saw my first ever 90210 trailer on the CW — yes, I am watching a Gossip Girl rerun, what of it? — and hearing that oh-so-familiar theme song made my little heart go pitter patter.  If only I didn’t have to wait till the fall!!  Is it wrong that I Iove shows about high school students as much now as when I was 12?  Wait — don’t answer that.]

–Anyhoo, as I was saying, I think maybe I need to force myself to be a bit more dedicated to the blogginess.  So starting today, I am going to attempt to post every other day.  I’d like to work my way up to every day, but that seems a bit ambitious right now, so…every other day it is.

I also want to spruce up my blog and add more photos and fancy shmancy stuff.  But…and this is embarrassing to admit…I am sadly a low-tech girl in a high-tech world.   And at the risk of being shunned by the blog world, the truth is that I just don’t know how to do the things I want to do on my blog.  Now is when I’m hoping that some bloggers more savvy than I–read, every blogger out there–may have some advice for how I might make Single/Fabulous more, well, fabulous!  Anyone?  Bueller?

So I’ve been sharing with all of you some of my dreams for what I might like to have happen in my life.  I still don’t know if the bookstore is what I will pursue or not — though, I have gotten loads of awesome advice on things I could do in conjunction with my bookstore.  I think right now, taking everyone’s suggestions, it’s something like a bookstore/wine bar/record store/knitting shop/cupcake store.  A little eclectic, but it might work, right?  🙂

Anyway, even as I continue to ponder it, I find that the bookstore has become that “happy place” that I go to in my mind when things start to get stressful or hectic or upsetting at work (read: at least once a day.  No one ever said being a lawyer was tranquil).  Ever since my trip to Maui last year, my “happy place” became the memory of the snorkeling excursion I went on with my dad.  I have a beautiful sea turtle photograph on the bookshelf in my office, along with a carved wooden sea turtle (which I originally bought as a souvenir for my then-boyfriend, and kept when he decided to break up with me the very night I returned from Maui), so every so often when I am feeling particularly overwhelmed, I try to stop for a moment, take a breath, and picture that I am swimming through that beautiful blue water, fish and turtles swimming past me, so far far away from my everyday stresses.  Well, in the past week or two since the bookstore idea began a’ brewin’, when I have felt overwhelmed I’ve just pictured myself working in the bookstore, exactly how I have always dreamed it, and it brings a smile to my face.  I’ve been asked to describe the bookstore, and it’s weird because I can SEE it in my mind’s eye perfectly but I can’t describe it well at all.  Obviously if I start to get serious about it I will need a business plan and all the nitty-gritties, but for now it’s best described as a feeling.  (Ps. Sarah, I may well take you up on your offer to run the business side of things. 🙂 )

One last thing before I get in my PJs and retire to my room to read — yes, I am totally hooked on my most recent read (which will be the subject of a future post once I finish it) and I would have stayed in bed starting at 9 pm on a Saturday night, reading, had someone not persuaded me to bust out the rally monkeys — the mini-saga of Cute Boy has come to an end.

And for once — once in my life,  I tell you! — I am proud to say that I was the one to put the brakes on the (yes, self-created) drama.  As you know, dear readers, I have only met this guy a whopping two times, though we have traded a bunch of random emails and have made plans to hang out that have never quite panned out.  A couple of weeks ago, I was putting together a little happy hour get together with a girl I know at Pink Taco.  Yes, I know – and imagine that business lunches take place there!  Even better is that I just discovered, in looking for a link to the restaurant, that it has its own Wikipedia entry:

Pink Taco 

is a Mexican restaurant chain that has earned notoriety[1] for its name, which is the same as a slang term for a human vagina. The president and CEO, Harry Morton, contends it comes from a menu item[2] and claims that if the restaurant were truly “vagina-themed” there would be “vaginas all over the walls.”[3]

 

 Now that is classic, dear readers.

On second thought, I don’t think I can top that for now, so this will be a to-be-continued!

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De-Cluttering

Do any of you believe in Feng Shui? 

Ok, so in looking at the Wikipedia entry for Feng Shui (very briefly) I realized that I don’t even have a clue what it really is.  So I’ll give you my very short version of the only things I know and have heard of Feng Shui so we’re on the same page.

My first experience with the concept of Feng Shui was in a visit to my best friend M’s mom’s house.  M’s then-stepdad had a thing for hunting (and decorating with pink plastic flamingos — but that’s another story) and so there tended to be deer heads on the walls and things of that nature.  One day, it must have been in high school sometime, I came over to their house and the animal head that had adorned the place above the fireplace had been replaced by a large painting of the ocean.  I asked M. about it and she replied that her mom and stepdad had gotten the den Feng Shui’d….the water element was supposed to balance out the fire element.  I don’t remember if we had a laugh about it at the time, but I definitely laugh when I think about it now!

The only other knowledge I have of the idea of Feng Shui is an article I read a few years back, most likely in one of my guilty pleasure girly magazines, that talked about how when you have too much clutter in your life and your house it can block development and change.  You’ve got to clear out all those old dust bunnies — literally and figuratively.

Ok, so using that example as what I mean by Feng Shui. do you buy it?  Because I think I do.

I was looking around my apartment tonight, gearing up for what I hope to be a productive weekend of some cleaning and discarding of things I don’t need, and I realized fully how much I have my work cut out for me.  I know it’s probably shocking and mystifying, but even though my ex-fiance moved out more than a year and a half ago, I still have things relating to him laying about, like the lovely wedding planning book my friend T. bought me, and a whole drawer full of photos, many of which include him.  

It’s not like I pore over these photos wistfully all the time or anything, but what do I do with them?  I don’t like the idea of throwing them away, because we were together for 3 years and there were so many great moments in those 3 years….in our relationship, but also, for example, trips that I took with him that were special and wonderful and aren’t any less memorable now.   I don’t want to forget all those things just because we’re not together anymore.  It’s a part of my life, just like my parents and friends are a part of my life, and it would be strange to just pretend it never existed.

But then again. what does one do with these things?  When the next guy comes along and wants to look at my photos, are all those shmoopy photos going to be in the pile I show him?  I certainly don’t think so, but I haven’t had to deal with this yet.

Something tells me I need to un clutter my living space and it will help unclutter my heart.  If only I knew where to start…

The Loneliest Number Since the Number One

It’s been a lovely weekend, but amidst lots of plans and fun with friends I’ve also had many moments of contemplation and lots of thoughts swirling around in my head that I have wanted to focus into a blog post. Now that the time has come to write them down, though, it seems difficult to know where to begin.

I never meant for my blog to become so much about relationships and dating, and yet that is what I seem to write about all the time…forgive me, dear readers!

After the anticlimactic end of things with New Guy, I have continued to do the online dating thing and have gone out with twice this past week with a new – new guy from Match.com who I’ll call Texas Boy. (More on that another time.) I also have a date with someone else lined up tomorrow.

Embarking on a new round of dating, I’ve begin to question, What exactly am I looking for here? I’ve been doing the online dating thing off and on for…sheesh, about a year now…and I’ve always thought I knew what I was looking for in a guy, but my list of wants has always been sort of standard: smart, kind, funny, attractive, blah blah blah. As much as I feel like I hate going on 1st and 2nd dates, and I tend to think of myself more as a “relationship person,” when I really get down to imagining what it would be like to get into a serious relationship right now…frankly, it’s terrifying. And now that so many of my friends are tying the knot, when I try to envision myself getting engaged (again) at some point in the future, it’s enough to make me break out in a cold sweat and start hyperventilating.

I’m always fine in a relationship up to a certain point. With the two guys I dated for a few months each after my engagement broke off, a certain rhythm developed. I would spend the night at the guy’s apartment but he would almost never come over to mine. We would spend a few evenings a week together but almost never make plans during the day on weekends. They only saw so much of me and my life, and even though I’d complain that I wanted them more in my life, there was something easy about it. For example, I’m one of the messiest people I know, and I always figured the less people see of my mess, the better. The physical mess is what I’m referring to… but also the emotional stuff.

And maybe that’s what it is — maybe I’m just not ready to let someone see me for who I really am.

And that’s probably the root of the biggest problem I have in relationships: loneliness. I know it’s counterintuitive. Right now, though I’m single and spend a fair amount of time alone, I’m not lonely. But in every relationship I’ve ever been in, there has come a point where I’ve begin to feel overwhelmingly, consumingly lonely. To me, there’s nothing worse than being with someone, that someone who’s supposed to be an important someone, and feel alone. I’ve always felt that the person I’m with never quite “gets” me. In the month before I broke up with my ex-fiance, I recall many sleepless nights, staring at the ceiling while he slept peacefully next to me, sometimes crying, feeling like he didn’t understand me at all.

I’m not sure what to make of all this, or what I need to do to get myself in the place where I can be with someone else in a real way. In the meantime, as I said, I’m out there doing the dating thing. But I still stop and wonder, what’s the point?

Don’t be concerned, dear readers: overall, my life is a lot better and happier than this post makes it sound. But it’s good to get these thoughts out of my head…

I didn’t like you anyway …

In my last post I gave a little bit of a tease about New Guy, so I decided to shut the door on the subject once and for all by filling my dear readers in on what transpired.

I think I reported earlier that our last date (which was in mid March sometime…seems so long ago, and I was still in my trial fog) seemed a bit awkward, and things just felt a bit off. After that I didn’t hear from him for 3 weeks. Yes, 2 of those weeks he was in Europe, but still – after that prolonged silence I assumed that New Guy had died (you know, not literally, but in the sense of “he must have died, otherwise he would have called”).

Then, last Sunday, I got a surprising voice mail from him apologizing for being MIA, and I waffled back and forth between whether I wanted to say, “It’s too late and I don’t like you that much anyway” or whether I wanted to just go with the flow. As it turned out, I didn’t get a chance to do either because when I called him back, I got his voice mail, and then two days later I received an email (yes, not a phone call, but an email) saying “Got your message, I’m out of town all this week for work, I’ll call you this weekend.”

Um…okaaaay. Needless to say at this point I’m not exactly holding my breath. I was on my firm retreat having a jolly old time when I got his voice mail on Sat, and I called him back on Sunday afternoon. After a round of phone tag, we finally spoke on the phone for the 1st time in a month. After we got the annoying chit chat out of the way (“how was your trip?” “how was your trial?”) he said “So, the reason I wanted to make sure I talked to you is…..”

……

……I wanted to tell you I met someone else.”

These, dear readers, are words I have become particularly NOT fond of hearing.

He then proceeded to tell me that he wanted to “be fair” to me and not just disappear on me.

Okay, dear readers, let’s back up for a minute. First, let me say that I totally appreciate upfrontness and honesty. I really do. Enough guys have “died” on me, which always leaves the most frustrating sense of non-closure, that I have to give at least some props to anyone who can man up and be honest.

But, New Guy? I have to give you a tip. When you disappear for weeks, don’t bother reappearing to be “upfront”! It’s too late!

To add insult to injury, he then proceeded to say “Well, best of luck to you….are you still doing the Match thing?”

I know that the whole point of dating is to, you know — date multiple people…but I have a hard time doing that, especially when I’ve slept with someone. Don’t get me wrong, I have continued to look around online and email with various people, so though no real dates have emerged from that yet, I have been keeping my options open as best as possible. But when someone throws so blatantly back in my face that they have been dating around all along and that I should have been doing the same, it’s just — I don’t know — tacky?

Anyhoo, at the end of the day I’m not upset or even disappointed, because the warm fuzzies I had felt for him at first had given way on our last date. I think one of the biggest feelings I’m having is indignant that he beat me to the punch. If I were somewhat less mature, I would have just loved to, instead of saying, “Thanks for telling me, take care now!” say the following:

“New Guy, thanks for telling me, but don’t flatter yourself. Let’s face it — you have a high voice (such a mood killer), you work way too much to date anyone, and you’re totally selfish in bed. Best of luck to you and especially to the poor new Match girl you are dating now!!”

But of course, dear readers, SF is way more mature than that…. 😉

Protected: Life is Strange

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Lawyer/Fabulous

I’m clearly a poor excuse for an adult. I’m watching the Super Tuesday election coverage, and it’s quite interesting, but it’s 8:59 and in 1 minute, One Tree Hill starts. I am ashamed to admit that I am seriously, seriously tempted to switch over. Hillary, Barack, Mitt & John…or Chad Michael, Sophia et al? It’s a tough call, people. This is why I should never have given up TiVo.

Anyway, exciting news on the work front – I get to try my first case next week! Ok, so it’s a very straightforward unlawful detainer (aka commercial eviction) case. Ok, so the partner on the case estimates that the whole trial will take an hour. Still…I will be there all by my lonesome (the partner may not even come with me), doing direct examination, opening statement and all that good stuff. And on Friday I get to depose the 2 defendants. So it’s really pretty cool that I get to do these things as a 3rd year associate. In fact, it’s these “real lawyer” type things that make it all worthwhile and give me the butterflies I love…and the fact that I’m excited about this makes me think that perhaps my job, my firm, litigation and the law in general iswhat I should be doing.

Cross your fingers for me!

I think being busy at work also helps quell the awful tendency to navel-gaze, which perhaps makes for good blog but overall, maybe not overly helpful…

I did have a good epiphany today when talking to C., though. Actually, I keep having the same epiphany over & over, but instead of just telling myself, I really feel it now. We are back to chatting online, and today he was telling me about how K. hasn’t told her parents yet about their breakup/impending divorce. (Side note: how, how, how, could you manage to keep something like that from your parents for 2 1/2 MONTHS? With the glaring exception of my weekend in Yachats with C., I seem to feel compelled to share way too much with my parents.) Anyway, in our chat it was clear that he is angry and frustrated and all the things you’d expect. And I thought, No shit. He’s GETTING DIVORCED!

Then, I had the vision of what it would be like if C. were to have responded to my outpouring of feelings by saying that he had feelings for me too. What then? We’d still be in different cities; he’d still be getting divorced; and I would have to deal with his anger and sadness and frustration not as a supportive friend, but as more than a friend. Frankly, that’s not something I have any interest in doing.

I think a big part of the appeal with C. was a subconscious thought that, With him I won’t have to start over completely from scratch. We already know each other, each other’s families and some friends, we have the same sense of humor, like the same movies, have that natural chemistry. It can be daunting to start over from square one with a new guy. And another new guy. And another new guy. There are a couple of great quotes about this in the other book my co worker L. bought for me, The Between Boyfriends Book: A Collection of Cautiously Hopeful Essays. :

“There’s nothing worse than almost marrying someone, breaking it off, and having to start over with a blind date. It’s like failing your senior year of high school and having to go back to kindergarten.”

And better yet:

“Some men admit they avoid confrontation beacause they’re afraid we’ll cry. Of course we’ll cry; we cry at Hallmark commercials. What they don’t understand is that we’re not crying because of them, we’re crying because now we have to get naked in front of someone else. It’s enough already.”

Boy, do I love Cindy Chupack. But anyway, as much as these quotes ring true, my point is, recycling an ex is a poor solution to the problem. As the same co-worker L., the giver of the books, said to me w/ respect to the C. thing (and with respect to me sleeping with the last guy I dated 2 months after we broke up – but that’s another story), “Recycling is good for the environment, but it’s bad for your environment.”

Amen, sister.

On that note, I am continuing with the online thing but haven’t had any real live dates since my last coffee date a few weeks ago. Guy-who-calls-me-Amy asked me for drinks tomorrow, but out of busy-ness and laziness and lack of interest I failed to email him back for a few days so now I don’t know if it’s a go. And there’s another guy who I’m interested in, but he hasn’t asked me out, and I don’t want to jinx it. And a couple others I’m emailing too.

On Super Bowl Sunday I received a dating strategies lecture from a guy who we lovingly call Zoolander behind his back, and his “dating strategy” was basically a description of what dating is — seeing a bunch of ppl and not getting involved with any of them right away. But it occurred to me that I never really do that – I tend to zero my sights on one person and get horse blinders to everyone else. So this new so-called “strategy” may in fact be genius advice.

And if Zoolander can do it, why can’t I?

Ok, I lied.

I said I wasn’t going to write about C. anymore, but…well, I suppose I lied. Sorry!

So in my last post I shared the conversation in which I told C. that he should come visit L.A., and I was met with some major hesitation. I was afraid that this would make things super awkward going forward, but actually we continued to chat online every day and things seemed normal. Then last night we were chatting online again and out of the blue he said, “So hypothetically if one were to visit you in West Hollywood, when would be a good time to come?”

Dear readers, I’m not kidding that I had a physical reaction when I read those words. It was like I blushed over my entire body, and I got a huge stupid grin on my face.

We talked about dates, and it turns out that April is the first time that both of us are free, which I think is good. Then he said, “You know, you could come up here to visit instead…” then he created this whole little itinerary of what we’d do while I was up there, including go to the coast for a day. It was very cute, and part of me wanted to book my tickets on the spot.

But then the reasonable part of me — yes, she exists — is apprehensive. First of all, going up there would of course mean telling my parents the reason for my visit, and my mom might have a heart attack if she found out. When she learned (through my erstwhile blog) that I felt something for C. when we spent time together, without even knowing that anything happened between us, she wrote me a long concerned email about how it was a train wreck, that I was C.’s high school sweetheart but K. was his first love, and that he would never reach out to me in that way and that if he did, it wouldn’t be in the way I wanted. She even threw in a comment about my bad pattern with guys, and something else about how it shows more character to not always act on what one feels.

Ouch. Maybe a bit harsh.

But even more than that, what’s holding me back is my thought that what my mom said might contain a rather large grain of truth. C. is obviously going through something right now that I can’t even fathom. If this were a movie, it would be so easy — we’d look at each other, realize that the last 10 years were just leading us back to each other, where we were supposed to be all along.

But this isn’t the movies and I’m no leading lady. C. is trying to reconcile his feelings about his failed marriage with his newfound happiness and freedom. He made a comment the other day about how now that he and K. are split up, since he had been with her for 7 years, he’s realizing how many “possibilities” are out there. He’s hardly dated at all in his life. I, on the other hand, have kissed about a zillion frogs already. I’ve played the field more than I’d like to, and am so over dating that I could scream. While all my friends are urging me to continue online dating in the search for Mr. Right, the whole idea of having to be the cute, witty version of myself to go out and snag a man makes me so incredibly exhausted. So C. and I may very well be like 2 ships, passing in the night.

Still I have to say, it’s been really nice talking with C. over the past 2 weeks. It’s familiar but new — like we’re getting to know each other all over again. Sometimes our talks give me serious butterflies; sometimes they crack me up. And I’ve found that it no longer makes me tear my hair out, so long as I stop trying to analyze each & every thing he says (yes, easier said than done, knowing me).

Okay, that was enough navel gazing for anyone’s good! Off to watch the end of Cashmere Mafia. Good night, dear readers!