Year 30

Even though my posts have become much fewer and much farther between, I haven’t resigned this blog because I know that the moment I do, I will be instantly struck with the urge to write another post.  I am keeping the blog here so that I can return periodically with updates on the life of SF.  So, for my dear readers (if any), here is a brief recap of the last couple of months.

1.  I was stranded in L.A. for Christmas because of the freakish weather in the Pacific Northwest, but happily I got to spend a lovely Christmas Day with friends.  I also discovered that one of the perks of being an only child is that my parents saved our Christmukkah celebration until I got home, so we opened all our presents and had a nice meal with my grandfather on Dec. 27th.  I was so happy to see my family, albeit belatedly.  I also had the good fortune of seeing my best friend who lives in England and was in town.  And the whole week, my wonderful BF was taking all sorts of photos on his camera phone (he was back East with his own family) and texting them to me so that we felt like we were together.  Shmoopy?  Who, us?

2.  Yesterday was my 29th birthday, or as I was reminded by several people, the beginning of my 30th year on this planet.  This is poised to be a very interesting year.  In some ways it will be a scary and uncertain year, with the state of the economy and the general feeling of flux.  But I still (perhaps naively) have high hopes that this will be a fabulous year.  I think it will be a year of change and a year of growth.  And I can’t wait to see where it brings me. 

3.  This year I will be in two wedding parties (so far – you never know what might happen!), attending at least two bachelorette parties, and going on a couple of cool vacations (in just a few days, Vail; at the end of the year, Australia!).  

4.  In sadder news, the girl who has been my best work friend and lifeline since we started as summer associates together in the summer of 2004 is leaving me (what about my needs?!) and moving up north.   I am still in complete denial about my life after she leaves the firm, so I am trying not to think about it.  (SF covers her ears.  La la la la la la!)

5.  My relationship, which is now four months old, is still swimming along perfectly.  I am at a loss for what to say about it that will adequately describe it, but I have been feeling a LOT of warm fuzzies.   I don’t think I ever realized that I could love someone so much, and I know we are just getting started.

6.  My New Year’s resolution is to dust off my elliptical machine and use it for something other than a clothes hanger, and so far so good.   My trick is that I am totally obsessed with renting DVDs of the show “Friday Night Lights” on Netflix (I am at the end of season 1.  It’s so good!!)  So I put on the DVD and watch an episode while I ride.  I know it’s a bit premature to boast about my resolution-keeping on January 12, so hopefully it will continue!

7.  This weekend I am going to try to learn to snowboard.  Again.  Wish me luck, and no severe injuries.

8.  Noodles is doing well, and I only sustained minor scratch wounds when I tried to get him in his cat carrier over the holidays (and two holes in my sweater).

With that, dear readers, I am calling it a day.  If anyone is still reading and you have particular things you are curious about, feel free to comment or email me!

Till next time, happy 2009!

xoxo

SF

Question

Is this cute Halloween decor or crazy cat lady?

Lil’ Bit of This, Lil’ Bit of That

I am too tired, dear readers, to write any sort of coherent, themed, focused blog post tonight. (Indeed, I am typing this from the comfort of my bed….zzzzzz…) But since it’s been several days since I blogged, thought I’d go stream-of-consciousness style. In no particular order, other than the order they pop into my head:

-Just watched Into the Wild. If you haven’t seen it, and you have 2 1/2 hours to spare, by all means, run out and rent it. Be prepared, though, because it’s extremely intense and haunting. I fully expect to dream about the movie tonight….and I’m sort of wishing I hadn’t watched it by myself! Does this happen to anyone else? My Netflix queue is full of all the things I haven’t seen in theatres, which means my queue is full of indie movies and darker, more serious things — movies I am less likely to be able to rally my friends to see on a Saturday afternoon. (With the exception of course of my friend CM, but she sees everything before I do so that doesnt help.) Anyway, even though I like getting to watch these movies that I have been wanting to see, my recent choices — the last two being No Country for Old Men and Into the Wild — are not exactly the type to give you the warm fuzzies. Does anyone have any suggestions for something slightly less dark that I can put at the top of my Netflix queue? It doesn’t need to be a comedy, so long as it is less likely than my last 2 choices to give me nightmares. Thanks. 🙂

-This is probably TMI for my male readers, but today I was having the worst. cramps. ever. Along with its fun companion, mood swings. One of the positive things about being single is that most of my mood swings end up being in my own head and I don’t take them out on anyone, but still — no fun. As I was feeling particularly cranky/teary, I thought of that awesome scene in Knocked Up (which I re-watched over the weekend) where Seth Rogen and Katherine Heigl get in the argument at the doctor’s office, and he starts yelling, “You know what, I know this isn’t you talking, it’s your hormones, but I would just like to say, F#%CK YOU, HORMONES, YOU ARE A CRAZY BITCH, HORMONES–not Alison, HORMONES!” That’s pretty much how I felt today. I knew it was going to be one of those days when I insisted on listening to that Sheryl Crow/Kid Rock duet on repeat on the way to work. That’s a bad sign, there.

-In happier news, I had a really great Memorial Day weekend! My friend KT was visiting from Chicago, and she always livens things up. In fact, dear readers, I who have not had much more than a glass of wine or a beer or 2 at a time in many months got fairly drunk both Saturday and Sunday night. Sat we went to Geisha House (love the sushi there) and Sun night we went to my new favorite karaoke bar, which is going to get its own post soon. Sun during the day we went to the Dodgers game — I’m getting hooked! And Monday we went down to OC to see a friend and go shopping. There are lots of good stories from the weekend, esp the karaoke bar, but they will have to be saved for another time. Basically it was great to see KT, I was very happy to be in town and avoid the traveling madness, and it was all around good times!

-In more happy news, I am going up to Eugene to see the fam this weekend and I’m taking Friday off, so I only have 2 more work days till the weekend!! Now that is quality — if only I could have 3 day work weeks all the time! It will be really nice to see my parents and grandfather and to just mellow out up there. Mmm…

-Last thing before I pass out — tomorrow night I am having dinner/drinks with Cute Boy who is the son of the provost at my mom’s university — who I wrote about here and here. I must admit, I’m a little unsure whether this is still just networking/friendly drinks or whether it is a maybe-possibly-kinda-pseudo date. I’m still thinking the former, since 1) our parents know each other, 2) he is at least 2 years my junior, 3) he mentioned in his recent email that he looks fwd to seeing me to get advice on his job search and 4) I mean, he’s in a band for god’s sake, and he is out playing gigs in LA while I am sitting at home watching movies with my cat. I thought I felt a spark when we met for lunch a few weeks back, but it’s impossible to tell whether there was an actual spark or just me being a creepy old lady and thinking he’s cute. We’ll see, dear readers!

Complicated

Picking up where the last blog left off … here is the latest installment on my love life (such as it is). I wrote the “PG” version of this story in my other, self-censored blog but I’m going to give a recap here because you, dear readers, need all the back story in order to be able to fully understand the situation.

This story involves my high school sweetheart, C. He and I first met at summer camp when we were about 13 or 14. We were friends, and I found out at the very end of the summer that he had a crush on me. He and I stayed in touch for a while and then lost contact. During the fall/winter of my senior year of high school, his junior year, we ran into each other again at a play at his school and there was a spark. We exchanged numbers, went out for coffee, and the rest is history. We dated all the way until August, when I went off to college. He was entering his senior year of high school, I was starting school in Southern California, and it just made sense for us to split up. Logically, anyway. I wanted nothing more in the world than for us to stay together. There were a lot of tears on my part, both before I left and in the first few months I was at college.

But, time goes on, wounds heal, and we stayed friends but that was all. C. ended up coming down to attend the same group of colleges that I was at to play football, so we got to know each others’ friends a bit, but we dated other people and in his sophomore year he met K. They dated, lived together, got engaged and eventually married a year-and-a-half ago. I attended the wedding, and it was gorgeous, and they seemed, as they always had, incredibly happy and in love. In fact, that was at the same time that my relationship with my then-fiance was beginning to unravel. I looked at C. and K. and knew in my heart of hearts that I didn’t feel that way about my fiance and that I couldn’t go through with the wedding…though I didn’t call it off for another couple of months.

The one strange thing about C. and K.’s relationship is that they have done the long distance thing for the past 3 1/2 years. C. has been in grad school in Oregon and K. apparently had a fantastic job that she couldn’t leave in California. So they flew back and forth to see each other. I thought it seemed like an impossible relationship, but they appeared to be making it work.

Then, on my way to the airport last week, when I was flying up to see my parents for Christmas, I called C. to see if he and K. were going to be up there for the holidays so that we could meet up. He sounded strange on the phone, and then I asked what he was going to be doing after he graduated from grad school in the spring – was he moving to California? He said slowly, “Well….it looks like I’ll be staying up here actually.” “What about K.?” I asked in surprise. “Exactly,” he replied. Oh boy. I decided to wait for in-person to get the scoop, and I just told him that I was really sorry to hear that.

On Saturday night, C. and I met up at a cute bar near his downtown apartment. There, I got the whole story. Apparently over Thanksgiving, she told him that she never wanted to get engaged and she never wanted to get married. He and K. had separated and hadn’t talked since. He was wearing his wedding ring on his right hand and looked, as you might imagine, dejected. My heart sank. C. was such an important person in my life, and I could only imagine how badly this must be hurting him, and there was nothing I could do or say. But he talked, and I listened, and I felt good that I could be there for him.

I wished more than anything else that I could just snap my fingers or say a magic word and make it all better…bring K. back to her senses, make her mend their relationship. It made, and makes, no sense to me that she could possibly have never wanted to marry him. She seemed so happy — is anyone that good of an actress? And after so many years of long distance, now they were thisclose to being able to finally live together. i just couldn’t wrap my mind around it.

Still, at the same time that I was feeling so bad for him and wishing that things could be different for him, my old feelings for him were beginning to resurface. Now, please believe me when I say that I have not been carrying a torch for C. for the past 10 years. But something began to stir in my heart that I haven’t felt since…well, who knows when. We moved on to a second bar, then a third bar (which was a converted coffee house that, incidentally, had been the location of our first date.) We were sitting side by side at the bar, and somehow we began to hold hands. He just sat and touched my hands and gazed at me and told me how soft my hands were. I felt both incredibly comfortable and sort of nervous, but he didn’t flinch at all, he just sat and looked at me.

After that, we decided to just head back to his nearby apartment and hang out there. Call me naive, but even at this point I still wasn’t convinced that anything was going to happen. We sat on the couch, he put some music on his iPod, he looked at me, I looked at him, we inched ever closer on the couch, and then we were kissing. And it was as though no time had passed, and it felt just as good as it did 10 years ago when we used to spend hours kissing. Eventually he took me by the hand and led me upstairs and…the rest is history. Mind you, we had never slept together in high school — not even close — so this was totally uncharted territory. But it was great. He was so sweet with me and cooed over how good I looked and it was just so…good.

I fell asleep with my head on his shoulder and his arms around me, and kept waking up throughout the night. When I finally woks up and it was morning and I could see him stirring awake, I was overwhelmed by the feeling of Oh, shit. What if he thinks this was all a huge mistake and it’s really awkward? But instead he put his arms around me and pulled me in close, smiled at me and started kissing me again. Whew!

Our snuggly morning was interrupted by a call on my cell phone from my mother, exclaiming, “Where the hell have you been? We thought you’d been killed and were lying in the gutter somewhere!” So C and I got up and he drove me home. (I told Mom & Dad that I slept on C.’s couch. How old am I, again?)

I was a huge mix of emotions. This was so wonderful but so confusing. C. and I ended up hanging out on Christmas Eve night and Christmas night also, but at his parents’ house then my parents’ house, so nothing more happened aside from a few sweet kisses goodnight. And we never talked about what happened, beyond a vague discussion like “No matter what happens, I’m so lucky to have you as a friend…” etc. Since I came back to L.A., he and I have talked almost every day – either on the phone or online, but nothing resembling a DTR.

Oh – I forgot to mention that on the first night, at the bar I had been telling him that my friend M. is getting married in July or Aug in England, and that I am going there then probably to Paris, and I told him he should come with me because he will have just taken the bar. On Christmas he brought it up again and told me places he’d like us to go, and now we have begun planning!

But….what does all this mean? For now, for my heart and my sanity, I feel like I need to assume that what happened between us was a fun night between friends, period. C. is obviously in an incredibly hard place and will be experiencing a rollercoaster of emotions over the next several months. Even aside from that, we live in different cities. Everything that happened between us over Christmas felt so organic, but it can’t actually be that way.

Then again, I know myself and, once someone works their way into my head and my heart, it is incredibly difficult to get him out. And congratulations, C., you have worked your way right in. Especially since we are still talking all the time and planning this trip together.

So even though I know, I really do, that I need to be careful and tread lightly and not expect anything…much easier said than done. I keep thinking that each relationship I have teaches me something and helps me grow up and that I won’t keep making the same mistakes. But then, every time, something happens that throws me for a loop.

2008….another year older and, it seems, none the wiser…