Question

Is this cute Halloween decor or crazy cat lady?

Advertisements

The Incredible Shrinking Woman

So despite all my talk about substance over style, I’m going to delve into something of very little substance, but something that has been plaguing me.  (I know you will be sad that I am taking a break from my normal talk about the issues facing our nation – ha.) 

I’ll just come right out and say it.

My boobs are shrinking.

At first, it was happening gradually and I hadn’t much noticed.  I’ve always had smallish boobs – a 34B bra size.  Then one day a couple of months ago, I was enjoying  pool time with some girlfriends.  My friend S., who is not one to mince words, glanced over and exclaimed, “What happened to your boobs?  Where’d they go?”

I laughed.   Oh, c’mon.  I’ve always had small boobs.

“Yeah, but you used to have more tits than this!”

And guess what?  Since that time, they have kept shrinking.  I can’t explain it.  I swear to God, if they keep shrinking at this rate, in 2 months’ time they’ll be concave.

I’ve never minded too much having small boobs.  Sure, there have been plenty of times I wished for better cleavage, but for the most part I’ve been OK.  I always liked that I could wear tube tops and other things like that without worry.  And I never got any complaints.

But c’mon…now this is just ridiculous.  It’s like I’m going through reverse puberty.

Today I finally sucked it up and went to Macy’s to buy new bras, since my old ones are all *tear* beginning to gape.  I frowned as I went into the dressing room with a pile of 34A bras.

And the worst part?

The fucking 34As gape too!!!

I managed to find a brand called Jezebel that fits well.  And their bras are quite sexy.  So I bought 3 in different colors and styles.  I even bought the undies to match – I never normally do that.

And still – I couldn’t feel less sexy.

As if reading my mind, when I arrived home, waiting for me in my mailbox was an ad from Rady Rahban, M.D. in Beverly Hills. 

Thinking of having Plastic Surgery?  …Then take advantage of our specials!

20% OFF ALL SURGERIES    FINANCING AVAILABLE

Oh, good.  That’s just what I need.  In addition to my monthly payments to Toyota Financial and my student loan company, how ’bout I take out a loan from Boobs R Us?  How much do you think a new rack would cost a girl, anyway?

Now, if you’re thinking to yourself, SF, you seem too rational to spend your money on something like plastic surgery, you would be correct, dear readers.  Not to mention, the thought of any kind of surgery makes me extremely squeamish — why would I sign up for that on purpose?

So it seems that I will just have to live with it.  Just me and my 34A Wonderbra, and Noodles, who loves me no matter how much my boobs shrink.

Sigh.