Year 30

Even though my posts have become much fewer and much farther between, I haven’t resigned this blog because I know that the moment I do, I will be instantly struck with the urge to write another post.  I am keeping the blog here so that I can return periodically with updates on the life of SF.  So, for my dear readers (if any), here is a brief recap of the last couple of months.

1.  I was stranded in L.A. for Christmas because of the freakish weather in the Pacific Northwest, but happily I got to spend a lovely Christmas Day with friends.  I also discovered that one of the perks of being an only child is that my parents saved our Christmukkah celebration until I got home, so we opened all our presents and had a nice meal with my grandfather on Dec. 27th.  I was so happy to see my family, albeit belatedly.  I also had the good fortune of seeing my best friend who lives in England and was in town.  And the whole week, my wonderful BF was taking all sorts of photos on his camera phone (he was back East with his own family) and texting them to me so that we felt like we were together.  Shmoopy?  Who, us?

2.  Yesterday was my 29th birthday, or as I was reminded by several people, the beginning of my 30th year on this planet.  This is poised to be a very interesting year.  In some ways it will be a scary and uncertain year, with the state of the economy and the general feeling of flux.  But I still (perhaps naively) have high hopes that this will be a fabulous year.  I think it will be a year of change and a year of growth.  And I can’t wait to see where it brings me. 

3.  This year I will be in two wedding parties (so far – you never know what might happen!), attending at least two bachelorette parties, and going on a couple of cool vacations (in just a few days, Vail; at the end of the year, Australia!).  

4.  In sadder news, the girl who has been my best work friend and lifeline since we started as summer associates together in the summer of 2004 is leaving me (what about my needs?!) and moving up north.   I am still in complete denial about my life after she leaves the firm, so I am trying not to think about it.  (SF covers her ears.  La la la la la la!)

5.  My relationship, which is now four months old, is still swimming along perfectly.  I am at a loss for what to say about it that will adequately describe it, but I have been feeling a LOT of warm fuzzies.   I don’t think I ever realized that I could love someone so much, and I know we are just getting started.

6.  My New Year’s resolution is to dust off my elliptical machine and use it for something other than a clothes hanger, and so far so good.   My trick is that I am totally obsessed with renting DVDs of the show “Friday Night Lights” on Netflix (I am at the end of season 1.  It’s so good!!)  So I put on the DVD and watch an episode while I ride.  I know it’s a bit premature to boast about my resolution-keeping on January 12, so hopefully it will continue!

7.  This weekend I am going to try to learn to snowboard.  Again.  Wish me luck, and no severe injuries.

8.  Noodles is doing well, and I only sustained minor scratch wounds when I tried to get him in his cat carrier over the holidays (and two holes in my sweater).

With that, dear readers, I am calling it a day.  If anyone is still reading and you have particular things you are curious about, feel free to comment or email me!

Till next time, happy 2009!

xoxo

SF

One Bite at a Time

When eating an elephant, take one bite at a time.

It seems that’s a good rule of thumb for a lot of things in life, isn’t it?  Often I find that if I look too far ahead and try to think about all my upcoming deadlines and plans and stresses, I get overwhelmed and just want to curl into a little ball and watch Gossip Girl.  (Sidenote: actually, I think I might be giving up that show.  It’s just mildly depressing to watch a show about teenagers who have way more sex than me.  Not that that’s hard, since I am not having any.  But you get my drift.) 

But anyway.  Like I was saying, looking too far ahead can make me panic.  But if I break down what I have to do into bite-sized portions, it seems much more manageable.

And so it goes with therapy.  My last session was two weeks ago (because of a Labor Day hiatus) and that was the day I really had my eyes opened to how much work I have to do in being able to express my emotions.  And my first reaction was omething along the lines of “Fuuuuck!”

But my friends and dear readers reassured me that this is something that we all struggle with, that in a relationship I will work on this with someone else, and that it’s a process.  My friend O. said she didn’t want me to feel like a “ticking time bomb.”  And yeah, I guess that is honestly how I felt.  So one bite at at a time it is.

Still, it is a hard path to figure out how to make little changes and alterations, day to day.  Sometimes I feel like not only do I have a hard time expressing my feelings, I don’t even know what that means.  Today my therapist was asking me about the guys I have been seeing and was asking me about my dates with guy #1.  I told her that we had good conversations.

So have you talked about your feelings with him?  I don’t mean your feelings FOR each other, but just in general.

Well…not really.  I mean, that’s hard to do early on, we don’t know each other that well.

It isn’t always hard.  It isn’t hard with everyone.  So what did you talk about on the hike, besides the plants you were seeing along the way?

I don’t know.  I guess I don’t know what you mean by talking about feelings. 

Well, like happy, sad, etc.  As opposed to talking about thinking things, like talking about Obama vs. McCain.   Though I suppose you could have feelings about that.

Oh, believe me, I do.

So what if a guy talks about his feelings?  Does that make it easier?

Well, yeah, I guess then I find it easier to open up.

****

Dear readers, what do you think?  What does “talking about feelings” mean to you in the first-few-dates context?  Do you talk about your feelings?  When, and to whom?

My “homework” for the week is to take notice of when I am feeling something and don’t express it, and then what happens with the feeling — where it goes and what I do with it.  I feel like I should start carrying a note pad around with me and jotting it down or something.

She also wants me to keep note of my dreams.  I haven’t had a dream I remembered in a long time, but I’m pretty sure the last dream I recall involved me having a long drawn out screaming fight with my mom.  My therapist’s eyes widened when I told her that — therapy pay dirt!! — but I told her that not only do I not recall the last fight I had with my mom, I don’t even remember the last time I felt angry with her.  (Mildly annoyed at her need to set me up with her students, yes.)  She explained to me that maybe the character of my mom wasn’t really my mom.  Okaaay…well, for now that is an unsolved mystery, I suppose.

In the meantime, I am off to the ominous task of feeling my feelings and – gasp! – expressing my feelings.  On the scary scale, that is pretty damn high up there.

But I know I’ll get there eventually….

One bite at a time.

It’s Official – I’m Crazy

I can hear my dear readers saying simultaneously, “Well, we knew that.”  But I’m not just talking about the weekly dose of neuroses that I divulge on this blog.  I’m talking about a real, serious mental disorder.  And if I’m guessing correctly based on what I know of you, dear readers, particularly my blogger friends– I’d bet that some of you are afflicted with it too. My question is, what is the cure for this particular disorder?  It probably does not include endless games of Scrabulous (some people I know, ahem Knittikins, insist on starting like 5 games with me at once), nor Gmail chatting, nor blogging, nor reading other people’s blogs (thank you J. for enlightening me about Google Reader, the new love of my life), nor any of the other things that make my work day tolerable.  And call me crazy if you will, but we all need some way to get through the day in one piece, right?

 In fact, I’ve been thinking that I want to devote even more time to this here blog.  Often I don’t write unless the mood strikes or unless something in particular inspires me to —

[OMG.  I had to interrupt this to say that I just saw my first ever 90210 trailer on the CW — yes, I am watching a Gossip Girl rerun, what of it? — and hearing that oh-so-familiar theme song made my little heart go pitter patter.  If only I didn’t have to wait till the fall!!  Is it wrong that I Iove shows about high school students as much now as when I was 12?  Wait — don’t answer that.]

–Anyhoo, as I was saying, I think maybe I need to force myself to be a bit more dedicated to the blogginess.  So starting today, I am going to attempt to post every other day.  I’d like to work my way up to every day, but that seems a bit ambitious right now, so…every other day it is.

I also want to spruce up my blog and add more photos and fancy shmancy stuff.  But…and this is embarrassing to admit…I am sadly a low-tech girl in a high-tech world.   And at the risk of being shunned by the blog world, the truth is that I just don’t know how to do the things I want to do on my blog.  Now is when I’m hoping that some bloggers more savvy than I–read, every blogger out there–may have some advice for how I might make Single/Fabulous more, well, fabulous!  Anyone?  Bueller?

So I’ve been sharing with all of you some of my dreams for what I might like to have happen in my life.  I still don’t know if the bookstore is what I will pursue or not — though, I have gotten loads of awesome advice on things I could do in conjunction with my bookstore.  I think right now, taking everyone’s suggestions, it’s something like a bookstore/wine bar/record store/knitting shop/cupcake store.  A little eclectic, but it might work, right?  🙂

Anyway, even as I continue to ponder it, I find that the bookstore has become that “happy place” that I go to in my mind when things start to get stressful or hectic or upsetting at work (read: at least once a day.  No one ever said being a lawyer was tranquil).  Ever since my trip to Maui last year, my “happy place” became the memory of the snorkeling excursion I went on with my dad.  I have a beautiful sea turtle photograph on the bookshelf in my office, along with a carved wooden sea turtle (which I originally bought as a souvenir for my then-boyfriend, and kept when he decided to break up with me the very night I returned from Maui), so every so often when I am feeling particularly overwhelmed, I try to stop for a moment, take a breath, and picture that I am swimming through that beautiful blue water, fish and turtles swimming past me, so far far away from my everyday stresses.  Well, in the past week or two since the bookstore idea began a’ brewin’, when I have felt overwhelmed I’ve just pictured myself working in the bookstore, exactly how I have always dreamed it, and it brings a smile to my face.  I’ve been asked to describe the bookstore, and it’s weird because I can SEE it in my mind’s eye perfectly but I can’t describe it well at all.  Obviously if I start to get serious about it I will need a business plan and all the nitty-gritties, but for now it’s best described as a feeling.  (Ps. Sarah, I may well take you up on your offer to run the business side of things. 🙂 )

One last thing before I get in my PJs and retire to my room to read — yes, I am totally hooked on my most recent read (which will be the subject of a future post once I finish it) and I would have stayed in bed starting at 9 pm on a Saturday night, reading, had someone not persuaded me to bust out the rally monkeys — the mini-saga of Cute Boy has come to an end.

And for once — once in my life,  I tell you! — I am proud to say that I was the one to put the brakes on the (yes, self-created) drama.  As you know, dear readers, I have only met this guy a whopping two times, though we have traded a bunch of random emails and have made plans to hang out that have never quite panned out.  A couple of weeks ago, I was putting together a little happy hour get together with a girl I know at Pink Taco.  Yes, I know – and imagine that business lunches take place there!  Even better is that I just discovered, in looking for a link to the restaurant, that it has its own Wikipedia entry:

Pink Taco 

is a Mexican restaurant chain that has earned notoriety[1] for its name, which is the same as a slang term for a human vagina. The president and CEO, Harry Morton, contends it comes from a menu item[2] and claims that if the restaurant were truly “vagina-themed” there would be “vaginas all over the walls.”[3]

 

 Now that is classic, dear readers.

On second thought, I don’t think I can top that for now, so this will be a to-be-continued!

My Future Husband

After a day at home, dear readers (thankfully I am sort of slow at work right now, normally I just have to suck it up and go anyway), I am happy to report that I think my bad cold has turned the corner!  Hopefully by tomorrow I’ll feel even more like normal.

So tonight I was supposed to go to a fundraising dinner for an organization that one of my fellow associates, AB, is involved with, on the board of directors.  My firm bought a table and I agreed to go when AB called me and I knew he was hard pressed to find a warm body to fill the seats.  At the time, I thought that I was just doing a mitzvah for a friend; I had no idea that AB had any ulterior motive.

But today, when I woke up feeling like death and emailed AB to let him know that our other co-worker’s fiance would be taking my place, he responded, “I’m really sorry to hear that you are sick and that you can’t make it to the Awards Dinner tonight.  I am especially bummed because I was hoping to introduce you to a really nice young man who is going to be there tonight.  He’s actually one of the awards recipients, and I’m sure L. will tell you all about how tall, dark, handsome and great he is and how much you missed out… unless you have a miraculous recovery and can join us after all…  🙂  *cough, cough*  In all seriousness, I was hoping to introduce you to him, but perhaps on another occasion.”

I had to say, very impressive, AB!  Way to prey on a girl’s weaknesses.  And since I was at home and bored, I proceeded to do some cyber recon on this guy (AB is a great guy and all, but let’s just say I’m not sure I trust his taste in men!).  Sure enough, though,  my recon mission revealed that this guy was an attractive, MBA, former I-banker business owner who volunteers with kids.  Good on paper — check!  I emailed my co-worker L. and informed her that it was her duty to check this guy out in person.  I then mused that I hoped I wasn’t missing the chance to meet my future husband.  L. encouraged me to get up off the couch and rally for the event, but I figured that I’d rather not have my future husband meet me when I’m all runny-nosed and hacking up a lung.  My friend T. confirmed to me that since my future husband was going to be receiving an award tonight, better I meet him when he doesn’t have other fish to fry. 

Ok, so maybe we were getting a bit carried away with the “my future husband” shenanigans… 🙂

In other news, I am still confused about whether the situation with Cute Boy is a potential love interest thing or whether it’s just a friend/networking thing.  As you know, we met because our parents decided we should, he emailed me, we went to lunch about a month ago, and then last week we went out to dinner.  I had hoped that dinner would clarify for me whether thing were friendly or more than friendly but they didn’t.  He had told me he wanted to ask my advice about job hunting, but it turned out that he had decided to do one last hurrah and tour with his band in August and September, so he’s not really job hunting yet.  We talked a bit about job stuff, but the majority of the 2 hours was just spent talking about all sorts of random stuff.  We each had 2 beers, we laughed a lot, and he paid for everything at the end (over my protest).  But then at the end, he seemed really anxious to get out of there and just gave me a casual hug goodbye and told me we’d talk soon.  I decided it was just a friend thing, and thought that was sort of too bad because I was starting to crush on him a little bit.

I had invited him to this networky/drinks thing that I was putting together with a new acquaintance of mine that was supposed to be tomorrow, and he seemed psyched about going, but again — hello, networking.  Then the Laker game was scheduled for tomorrow so I emailed Cute Boy today to let him know that the networky drinks were being postponed, and mentioned offhand that I’m sick but that if I felt better I might go watch the game at a sports bar – but I didn’t specifically invite him or anything.  Then he wrote back, “That’s totally cool, I hope you feel better soon. If you do decide that you’d like to go to a sports bar or something for food and/or drinks to watch the game, let me know. I’d be interested in joining you.” 

 This seems sort of promising, but who knows.  I’m totally happy to be friends with this guy — he’s fun and smart and I have a relative shortage of guy friends compared to other times in my life — but if that’s the case I’d sort of like to know so I’m not wondering and crushing needlessly.  I’ll keep you posted!

Speaking of guy friends, I’ve got a new one who I’ve hung out with a few times now and he’s totally awesome…and much needed, since all of my other guy friends consist of my ex-boyfriends and my friend D. who’s gay.  Straight male friend = quite refreshing.  And some of my friends would say, an urban myth, but I disagree.

On a final note, does anyone else love, love, love Top Chef???  I have been watching a marathon for the past 3 hours (no matter that I have seen all the episodes already) and I dig it so much.  Ironically, I hardly cook at all myself, and in fact, tonight I have been watching the show while devouring Thai food takeout.

Maybe I should work on that before I meet my future husband?

 

Tough Cookie?

“Tough cookie.” That’s what my favorite client likes to say I am…and I’ve been giving it some thought this week because that is not a word that I would have ever envisioned being used to describe me when I was younger. I was what you might call…sensitive. I cried at the drop of a hat, I had a horrible time adapting to change, I would avoid confrontation at all costs. (Ok, so in my personal life I am still very non-confrontational…I guess you could call it passive-aggressive…I’m working on it, I swear!!) If you’d have told my parents that I’d be working in a high stress job where I essentially argue for a living, I’m sure we all would have had a huge chuckle about the idea.

I don’t know when or how it happened, but somehow my skin thickened up. And it’s a good thing, since otherwise I’d probably be crying at work every other day!

I think especially since I’ve become a litigator, it’s changed me somehow. I’ve never ever been an arguer; I can count on one hand the number of actual fights/arguments (as opposed to just gentle bickering) that my ex-fiance and I had during our 3 year relationship. I’ve always said “I’m a lover, not a fighter.” But now I have to be a fighter for my clients. Today I defended a deposition and my claws definitely came out several times. Now that I’m a “fighter” at work, I wonder, will that carry over to my personal life? I don’t know…I still don’t think “tough cookie” is exactly what those who know and love me would say about me.

And I know that getting the fighting spirit will help me in my work life, but I’m not so sure it would be a good thing if it carried over. I’m sure my mom would add that to the growing list of reasons why I’m completely un-dateable.

Speaking of Mom, she must be feeling my vibes (omg, that was such a phrase Mom would use — I’m too young to actually turn into her!!) from my recent blog posts about her matchmaking, because she apparently bought me a book called Have I Got a Guy For You: What Really Happens When Mom Fixes You Up. Mom read it in anticipation of giving it to me, and said it’s hilarious, so I’m looking forward to it (if only because it sounds particularly blog worthy. Just to get my readers super excited about my future blog on the topic, here’s the synopsis I pulled from Amazon.

“In this take-no-prisoners collection of hilarious, wince-inducing true stories, you’ll meet two dozen victims of Mom’s well-meaning meddling and hear the unvarnished details of what they suffered through:
The schoolteacher who never wants to leave his house-or the couch
The mother who writes letter after letter to Michael Gelman, then-producer of LIVE with Regis & Kathie Lee, hoping to persuade him to ask her daughter out
The woman who’s set up with her cousin-by-marriage
The writer who endures eights hours of a Dungeons & Dragons convention
The over-zealous actor who performs a monologue at Starbucks
And the lawyer who sadly can’t perform . . . at all”

Leaping out of your seat to buy it, aren’t you? No? Ok, well stay tuned and I’ll give you the Cliffs notes in a few weeks (I’m picking up the book when I head up to Eugene for a long weekend at the end of the month).

And now, a confession. Just when you thought my taste in TV could not get any more adolescent I am newly addicted to Gossip Girl. I know, I’m like a year 1/2 behind on the show and like 14 years older than the target audience. But hey, we all have our vices. I suppose that given the various and sundry bad things that lawyers can get themselves into to keep their heads above water, if my worst thing is captively watching the lives of NYC high school students, well…it could be worse.

And now if you’ll excuse me, this tough cookie needs a sugar fix before the season finale of the Hills.

xo, xo!